Since the Bakerella era days, I've always thought cake pops were so adorable. I subscribe to Bakerella's blog and with each blog, I would drool over her pretty little cake pops and dreamed of a day when I could try a cake pop. Seriously. I would dream....
Well, Starbucks has jumped on the cake pop bandwagon recently. Read the news about them! In fact, they had a promotion last week giving them out for free. Where was I? I had no idea. Not a dam clue! It's because of Facebook that I heard about the cakepops. All of my friends were getting their grubby hands on them.
I finally trudged into Starbucks and scooped up one of each flavor that they had on hand.
Starting with the pink one, known as the birthday cake pop was waaaaaaay to sweet. I needed water to wash it down. Not my fave at all.
The tan colored with the espresso bean is the tiramisu cake pop and it was my favorite out of all three. It wasn't too sweet and the flavor of the tiramisu was just enought. I think it would taste great with coffee.
The dark chocolate is the rocky road cake pop and again, it wasn't my favorite. A bit too chocolaty for me and too sweet.
Would I buy these again? Probably not. Each is supposedly under 200 calories each. That's a whole lot for something that is eaten up within 2 bites. Not worth my elliptical gym time. Plus, they are a bit on the pricey side. $1.50 each, $2.50 for 2, 6 for $7.50.
Random Thought #1.
Bummed that I cannot run anymore. This past weekend, a popular local race occurred, The Shamrock Marathon and many of my friends participated in it this year. When I was entering races, I only had about two close friends who were into running. Now, I have a handful and it just sucks that I can't share the race experience with them.
Random Thought #2.
Been watching the show, Deliver Me, on the OWN Channel and am strangely addicted to it. I wished they had a reality show that featured infertile couples just so the awareness of it is out there much more. Plus, its something I can relate to, much more, cry about while watching it.
Random Thought #3.
Starting our injectible cycle in April. What can get I get my dirty pause on before all the craziness starts? Overload of sushi? Have drinking binges? Go to spin class as much as I can?
Random Thought #4.
Why do I feel so ashamed of my fertility problems? It's a constant question I ask myself daily. This whole fertility issue is such a self esteem problem with me. I can't help but feel "anxious" when I'm surrounded by many of my friends who are moms. I feel as though I'm the odd man out because I can't participate in the conversation. Plus, I begin think to myself that they are going to start questioning me as to when I'm going to start having children.
Final Random Thought #5
I saw a coworker who got married about the same time as me and is preggers with a big ole belly. I feel like I've been flunking each grade and being held back with each passing wedding anniversary. It's like our wedding anniversary is an alarm for me reminding me, " yet another year we are childless."
I stopped taking my prenatal pills since our last IUI/Clomid cycle. Phew. I let it out! I felt a bit guilty for stop taking them, but I couldn't help but think to myself, " what's the point?" I remember taking them for the first time thinking it was some kind of magic pill to boost my chances of getting pregnant. Yeah, I'm strange, but really, it's true. I really truly thought that if I take all of these vitamins, low dose aspirin, along with the clomid I would easily get pregnant.
When our RN coordinator asked if I was taking my prenantals, I fibbed and said, "yup!" I'm sure she could tell with the expression on my face as it's hard for me to tell a white lie. So, this afternoon, I popped on of these babies into my mouth and prayed for the best these next couple of months.
Before I begin speaking about my dear friend, I must solely and guiltily admit that when I first heard about my friend getting pregnant with her first child, I was blown away. I couldn't help but think selfish thoughts such as, " how is it that she has an autoimmune disease and has been on a ton of medications all her life, suddenly stops the medications and gets pregnant?" My mind just couldn't wrap itself around it because it just made me get a bit more anxious to get pregnant. At the same time, it gave me a tiny bit of hope. If she is able to get pregnant, why can't I?
Now, my sinks for them and I feel just awful and ashamed that I was even thinking those thoughts. I've learned a valuable lesson from this experience and will remind myself the next time I begin to even think these sort of thoughts.
This past January, my friend lost her baby girl at 28 weeks. She had to give birth to a stillborn which I think is one of the most awful events a couple or a woman has to go through. Just awful. Due to her disease, the placenta calcified and wasn't able to provide enough nutrients and oxygen to her child.
When they first started trying to get pregnant, she completely stopped all of her scleroderma (http://www.firstgiving.com/rosemarie)medications because they were toxic. Fortunately, within about 6 months or so, they were blessed with a pregnancy. She was extremely happy. I just knew she and her husband were going to be wonderful parents and any child would be lucky to have them as parents as they are good people with the biggest hearts who live life to its fullest.
Here's their story.
Preface
The beauty of life is while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is not spent in regret, guilt, fear or anger but in wisdom and understanding. Sometimes you have to share the darkest moments that you were forced to experience to find people just like you. Sometimes you share and people have pity on you and that’s not what you are looking for. Sometimes you share and all people hear is the pain. But all the time, you just want to know that you are not alone.
As most of you know I have an autoimmune disease called Scleroderma. (www.firstgiving.com/rosemarie) When Terry and I found out we were pregnant we received support from my OB doctor and a Perinatologist (maternal-fetal specialist). My pregnancy was considered high risk so I visited the doctor’s office every two weeks. We went through so many emotions with our Baby Girl from blood work, glucose testing to genetic testing where the tests were initially abnormal then after a second testing result concluded to be normal or negative. I was definitely a happy pregnant lady even while I was waiting for test results. Even though we experienced a great loss, I feel at peace that our angel Taitum Makaila Brown is with God and I am truly grateful to have loved her so much and be her Mommy.
Pregnancy
After our first at home pregnancy test I made a daily schedule to wake up an hour earlier than my regular time so I would have enough time to eat a nutritional breakfast and plan out all my meals throughout the day. If you spent a day with me you knew that there was a 99% chance I had string cheese, hummus and fruit in my lunch box or purse. It was really hard for me to gain weight but I didn’t want to eat or gain weight the unhealthy way so I was gaining weight by drinking a lot of whole milk, eating high fatty foods like avocado and nuts. Don’t get me wrong my love for meat didn’t reduce I ate burgers and steak but in moderation. I think the food I craved the most was Favela’s Carne Asada Nachos, Sukhothai’s Seafood salad, Evelyn’s Meat Lover’s Pizza and pretty much anything my Mom cooked and if my Mom wasn’t around I ate Filipino food at Sisig. We loved to eat. At about four months, I started to feel her swish inside me. Her little butterfly movements would wake me up and I no longer needed my alarm clock. Baby Bacon (her granddad nicknamed Her that because we love Taitum just as much as bacon, it’s that serious) knew it was almost breakfast time. I know when I ate she didn’t receive the nutrients until hours later but just like her Mama this girl knew food was an essential part of happiness.
My Baby Girl and I were in sync; I’m mildly OCD when it comes to my daily routine. I had a feeling Baby Girl’s eating habits was not the only behavior she got from me. She was on a schedule just like her Mama. I felt her most when she woke me up in the morning and about 6 pm when I would get off work and immediately eat dinner. I spoke to her all day long and at four months my baby bump was not that noticeable but I was rubbing my tummy like I was eight months big. During every shower I sang, “You are my Sunshine” and on my way to work she listened to “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars. When Terry was not working night shifts he would read her stories before we went to bed. He was such a good storyteller too. He described the pictures on the page and changed his voice on different characters (such a wonderful daddy). After stories, I would get my turn the iPodWi-Fi off and place it on my tummy so she could listen to love jams from when her Mama was growing up. Every day was different but I made sure these daily activities were part of our agenda.
A little before five months, I provided blood work for the second genetic testing. A few days later a Geneticist called to tell me that there was a jump from my first genetic testing for Down’s syndrome (two months ago the results were 1/160) the results now were 1/16. Also, the risk of Her of having spina bifida increased. I received the phone call at work and I remembered tears falling down my face and I held my tummy and told my Baby Girl you be strong just like Mommy because sometimes doctors are wrong, they tell Mommy she’s sick all the time but she doesn’t believe them. I left work early and Terry was home and we discussed the options the Geneticist explained to me. The next day I called to make an appointment for an amniocentesis and a 4D sonogram.
I knew our baby girl was a smart cookie but at our appointment with the Geneticist I knew she was a genius. Two days before the appointment Terry and I spoke to Baby Bacon and told her that a doctor was going to stick a needle in her home and she had to make sure she didn’t move so she doesn’t get scratched. Before the amnio, we spent an hour viewing her in a 4D sonogram. She waved high five at us, we saw her sucking her thumb, her butt was on the screen and her foot was in the way. Like all of the other times we saw her in a sonogram she was constantly moving. We saw that her spine was completely developed and she did not have spina bifida. The next testing was the amniocentesis and we had five minutes before the doctor performed the test and in that five minutes Terry spoke to Baby Bacon and said, “Okay, Baby Girl stay still now okay, we want you safe.” The Sonographer held the transducer so the Perinatologist could see which area would be safe to take a sample of amniotic fluid. The ten seconds that needle was in my stomach Terry and I could see our Baby Girl who was dancing all around earlier stay perfectly still during the procedure. When the needle was removed the transducer stayed in place so we could see Her heartbeat and we saw her move. She wiggled her arms and she moved right when the needle was gone. She’s such a good listener. Afterwards, we treated her to some Chicago style pizza at the infamous Zachary’s. Mama had her favorite pepperoni, mushrooms with anchovies. A week later, the Geneticist called and told us that our daughter’s chromosomes were perfect and she did not have a genetic disorder.
She was loved so much. Her Daddy interacted with her as much as I did. Every day, he left to work he gave her a kiss, a rub and talked to her. He never really felt her move until Christmas morning. TMB and I were lying in bed and he was holding my tummy and he felt her kick for the first time. She kicked really hard too. We laughed and said that was his first Christmas gift from his daughter. Her MamuBear (my Mamabear) always spoke to her and rubbed her too. MamaBear always loved holding my stomach just so she could feel Baby Bacon move around. The holidays came and we had lots of visitors at the Brown’s residence. Baby Bacon got to hear so many voices that have traveled from SoCal, NorCal and even from Washington State. Even at my Preschool story time, my kids were so excited for her to come out. One of my kids insisted that she was going to grow up and be a Transformer and she was going to look like Bumblebee because girls like yellow. She was only five months and she was able to hear and feel all the love around her every day.
We were told that I would have to deliver earlier than her due date of April 18th but we never expected anything like this…
On Monday, January 24th my parents accompanied me to a routine doctor’s appointment because TMB had a special schedule at work where it would be difficult for him to come with me. I was 28 weeks or 7 months Baby Bacon was growing inside me…. It is still painful to relive the moment. The only thing I remember is hearing my mom yell, “Nooo, not my baby” while I watched the doctor try different adjustments on the machine because he could not find Taitum’s heartbeat. I told him I heard her heartbeat last week at my Pulmonologist appointment. He looks and looks and after about a minute he repeats something I wish no ever hears, “I’m so sorry, your baby has passed away, she has no heartbeat.” At that moment I felt being in that doctor’s office was surreal and I was in denial. I was numb, there are no tears falling down my face until I sit up and look at the monitor. The little heart that I used to see pump and her hand that would always wave at me stayed still. Nothing…my Baby Girl the little life that I was growing inside me had stopped…
I was induced into labor later that evening, the thought of having to deliver a baby that was stillborn tore my heart. All of the dreams that I had for Baby Bacon had to stay as dreams. I spoke to God a lot that day, I mainly asked him why? I thought living with Scleroderma was already hard but now I have to live through losing my first child. “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” How much stronger do I have to be? I was so angry, so hurt and so empty. Throughout this heartache my husband reminded me that we can’t waste time being angry or put blame on what happened. This is why I married this man; I started to focus on the labor and thought about the future hours because soon we would see Her face. Soon I would be able to kiss her little cheeks and although she would not be alive to feel the love this was time to show her more LOVE than she ever knew. My parents and TMB’s parents and brother stayed with us at the hospital. We are really blessed to have such a close family who is supportive and love us unconditionally. I tell TMB all the time I love our families.
We stayed overnight in the hospital and one of the nurses asked if we had picked a name for our baby. TMB and I have talked about it before but if you know my husband he always joked about names like Bertha and Penelope. I asked if he liked Angel because she would be an angel or we could name her Baby Bacon on the birth certificate because that’s what we’ve been calling her. Then I reminded him about how I wanted Her to have the same initials as him so I can call her “Junior.” He agreed he liked the idea and suggested we go with the name I mentioned to him a while ago. I knew her middle name would be Makaila because her Daddy’s middle name is Michael meaning “son of God”. There were a handful of names that began with “T” that I loved but I really loved the meaning of Taitum, which means “blessing of joy”. So at 12:03pm on Tuesday, January 25th Taitum Makaila Brown was delivered and although her time with us was short she truly was a blessing of joy from God.
After the delivery the doctors had a clue that the reason Taitum was not able to survive was the lack of nutrients and oxygen from the placenta. The placenta that I delivered was very small for seven months and showed calcification. A few weeks the Pathologist confirmed that it was the calcified placenta. The Scleroderma for some reason had antibodies that were affecting the placenta but we didn’t know how fast or how much it would affect the pregnancy. We were told Taitum passed a few days before the doctor visit. We learned from the autopsy if we were to deliver her earlier she would have not survived because her lungs and liver were underdeveloped. Her lungs and liver was the size of a baby who is four months and she lived to seven months. We are definitely blessed to have felt her move, kick and see her several times wave to us and show us she knew how to suck her thumb. She definitely was strong like her Mommy.
A little over a month has passed since she was delivered and I still have my moments. I have been to group therapy counseling and will attend one and one counseling for grief but I feel what has really helped me cope with my feelings is spending time with my Mom, Dad, Brother, Husband, in-laws and family and close friends. Those moments are hands down the best therapy. They don’t help me forget Taitum they remind me that I can still smile, laugh and live life while she’s in heaven waiting for me. It truly is a special feeling to have loved ones acknowledge our daughter. I don’t think I will ever understand why babies die. They never had the chance to explore the world. I imagine it’s a complex way of showing us how unexpected life can be. I believe in God and I believe he has a path for my husband and I. The path has definitely made us stop in tracks but it is up to TMB and I to get going again. There are no plans for a baby anytime soon. We want to make sure we can give 110% love to our future child. We are very optimistic and have a strong team of doctors that know what to look for in a future pregnancy and they all agree that it is possible with medication and closely monitoring with advanced sonograms it is possible for me to have a healthy baby. Every placenta and baby is different so please keep positive thoughts. This experience has been extremely heartbreaking but Terry and I honestly feel that we will be okay. Thank you for reading.
Hey Folks! I'm back from a mini break of blogging and I must report that absolutely nothing has changed. Who am I kidding though? Did I really think that after my laparscopy surgery that I would immediately get preggers? Well, I really was hoping that was going to be the case with all of my fingers and toes crossed so tightly. I ain't gonna lie. I was dreaming.... but one could hope right?
Yesterday we met with our nurse coordinator. She was a pleasant lady who's been an RN for a little over 40 years. Not sure how long she's been in the infertility biznatch, but I'll ask next time I see her. Her plan is to put me on the following:
225 IU of Gonal F for 3 days, then drop to 150 IU Q daily
Ovidrel 250 mcg
We couldn't believe the cost of the prescriptions. My insurance, while I'm greatly appreciative that they cover 50% of infertility diagnostics and medications, I must say, we are still having to pay a moderately hefty price for one cycle. The medication alone is going to be $1,500 and the procedures will roughly be around $842 bringing the grand total to $2,342. Woooooooooah, baby! (no pun intended).
But, we keep telling ourselves that it's all going to be worth it. The joking side of me says, " this baby better not be no meth head, though. Sorry, I just can't help but say that. It's funny, right?
I'm kinda bummed that with this fertility cycle, I have to lead a life as if I'm actually preggers which I really don't get because people that live a normal life get pregnant and come out fine. They are wanting to restrict me from heavy duty exercise which means, no more spin classes, bikram yoga, or running on the treadmill. Oh yeah, no more ibuprofen, motrin, advil which are my saving graces most of the times and no more raw fish. WTH guys???
Stupid list.
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