Pure Coincidence?

Weird. Coincidence? Maybe. Or is it because I'm more akeen to all this IF talk that it grabbed my attention. 

What I'm talking about is the special episode on The View this morning. Did anyone catch it? It was titled, " Trying to Have a Baby?" The women discussed their own personal battles of infertility and how they came across being dignosed. They also had professional fertility specialists come onto the show to talk about IF as well as couples battling infertility. 

My heart went out to a guest who was a 47 y/o woman currently going through a divorce. She married at the ripe ole age of 40 and immediately her and her husband began trying for a baby. Sadly, they weren't successful and it took a toll on their marriage, although it wasn't the entire reason why their marriage broke up. She is not able to use the embryo's from her ex as he will not allow it as he no longer wants to become a parent. 

This episode just made me wonder if it was a sign telling me that I shouldn't have rescheduled my OB appointment this morning. I just couldn't do it. I chickened out. I just got my AF on Wednesday and the first few days are usually the heavy days. So, if he were to perform a baseline exam on me, I think I would have been mortified. So, I rescheduled and guess what? My period should be ending right around that time, hopefully. Go figure. Can I get a mini break?

Oh, and did I mention that this new OB is kinda hot? So this whole new OB thing is making me sorta nervous. Never had somebody that is eye candy exam my privates. Reminds of Sex and the City.

Now I'm wondering if I should just try and schedule an appointment with my old OB to see if I can get in sooner. He already knows my history and we both know the next step would be an HSG. So, we'll see. I'm going to fax Mr. Dubyah's results to him tonight and see what he says and take it from there.  

A New Month + A New OB

As predicted, I got my AF this morning. I gotta say that although I knew it was coming because of the symptoms I was feeling during the week, I was sorta trying to not let it come. Don't ask me how I was trying to do this. I don't even know myself.  All's I know is that reality bites. Seriously. 

Surprisingly,  I took it in good stride. Like I said, I'm becoming numb to this whole IF thing. 

Tomorrow morning I have my first appointment with my new OB. Gut was telling me with my initial OB to not continue seeing him. Loved him and all his soft spoken personality, but he just wasn't as aggressive as I was hoping he would be. Found out later that he's a die hard Catholic which is fine by me. I'm a Catholic, too! But, at times, he tends to mingle his faith with his practices. For instance, when discussing our plans to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant, it went down as this:

Plan A: Hormone test on me

Plan B: SA analysis on Mr. Dubyah. If normal, go to Plan C

Plan C: HSG procedure

Plan D: Referral to fertility clinic

Did you notice no fertility drugs were mentioned in our game plan? 

Anyways, going back with my new OB. So yeah, I have my AF and I'm still attending the appointment. I want to see if I can go ahead and schedule an HSG with him which I believe will most likely be the next step. Keep your fingers crossed that he won't exam me down under with my AF. If he does, I will feel so humiliated. LOL 

p.s. A friend introduced me to an application on my iPhone called the Period Tracker. It's a pretty cool program and it definitely beats having to write it down on your calendar. 

Making IF Public.

Mr. Dubyah and I are nearing our 2 year wedding anniversary and I gotta admit that we are getting the
" When you having a baby?" question more and more. It doesn't help neither that most people know our ages and so they have to pull the biological clock card on me.

I was wearing a not-so-flattering blouse last week at a family gathering and one of the older ladies approached me asking how many months I was. Yeah, it was that bad of a shirt and I made sure to make a mental note to throw this blouse away! Fortunately, I took it in good stride and answered that it was my blouse that made me look pregnant and she apologized profusely. But, I just couldn't help but dream of what it would be like to answer her with the most gleeful answer of, " oooh, I'm x months pregnant!"

Anyways, as I digress, I was speaking with a friend over the weekend who is also having infertility issues and she relayed to me that everyone knows about their struggle of having a child.  It got me thinking. Should I just tell people that we are having a difficult time when asked? It is something to be ashamed of? At the same time, I'm not sure if I want people to feel as though they have to quietly step around me when it comes to their own joys. 





 

Semi Good News.

We received Mr. Dubyah's SA results from the fertility clinic. Low n' Behold, they were normal. NORMAL! I couldn't believe it. I mean, how could the first two lab results show extremely low results for the motility and morphology and then, bam, a fertility clinic comes in with their high tech machines and outshines them all!

I'm in disbelief to say the least. Still on the cautious side and just waiting for something or somebody to tell us something is wrong. I can't help it. It's so hard not to have your hopes ups so high. This is what IF has done to me emotionally. To be numb.

In other news, I am so thankful for the friends we have in our life. There are two friends in which they were one of the first people whom we told about our IF issues. I think part of the reason why we told them was because they are both in the medical field. He's a neurosurgeon and she's a nurse practitioner. Anyways, NP wanted me to talk to her sister in law because she went through IVF 5 years ago and had two beautiful twin boys. So, the other night,  we go to their house and talk about going through IF and IVF.

Talking to them has pretty much pointed us in the direction of IVF. We've been on the fence about it. Not sure if we should go straight for it or speak with my OB. But, they got us thinking. At least, the SIL did. She told me that since I've been trying for over a year now with no success and given my age, she would recommend going straight for IVF. Sure, the OB can offer me some pointers, but will probably advise me to try out fertility drugs, then IUI, etc. By the time, I go through all of that, I would have probably wasted yet another year and money with no baby in tow.

So, come Monday, Mr. Dubyah and I are going to set up an appointment to get an initial consultation. Oh Boy! I'm nervous. How are we going to come up with the funds to get this done?

Moooo!!!!

Ever since finding out our IF issues, I feel as though time is not on our side; its been moving way too fast. Like, we are walking behind a herd of cattle and we can't move around them because there are just so many of them. That's how I feel right now. 

Mr. Dubyah has been having appointments with his primary doctor, his urologist and just recently at a fertility clinic. Tomorrow, he's back at his urologist to go over the results of the test he did at the fertility clinic. 


So frustrating. I just want to go on with the show already and start making this baby thing happen, already! 





 

RIP Harley

So sad these past few days. My dog of 17 years was put down over the weekend. Although he doesn't live with me and Mr. Dubyah; he lives with my parents, I still consider him my dog. He was our family dog while growing up.

We got him in 1995 from a pound in Napa, California. At the time, it heavily rained and various parts of Napa was flooded. Lots of people lost their homes to the flood.  My mom and I suspect that he got lost in the midst of the floods that's how he landed at the pound because when we adopted him, he was well trained and already housebroken. 

Harley was an awesome dog! Most mistaken him for a girl dog and its understandably so based on his looks. He loved blankets. When he saw that you had a blanket out while sitting on the couch, he would immediately go to the very edge of the blanket and lie on it. Ofcourse, with his weight on it, the blanket would fall down and you couldn't really pull it up higher as he was lying on it. Grrr..

None of us thought that we would be priviledged to have him in our lives for 17 years. As he got older, we would always think to ourselves, is this our last Christmas we'll be spending with Harley?

I remember the first time I realized that he was getting old. He was getting up from his bed and all of a sudden, his legs gave out and he fell. He tried for several minutes to get up on his own, but couldn't. I cried thinking he wasn't going to get up anymore and I would have to bring him to the vet to let him go. But, when he got up and walked outside, I shouted so loud because I wasn't ready for him to be gone. At the same time, I knew that eventually, I would need to prepare myself for his passing. 

I'm going to miss you Harley. You were such a joy to be around and gave us plenty of laughs throughout the years. Hopefully, with all of the memories I have of you, I'll be able to smile instead of cry when thinking of you. Rest in Peace little guy. 

Does this make you cringe or what?

Last week, a study came out about "Women and Falling Fertility." Did you guys read or hear about it on the news? I sure did and frankly, it made me roll my eyes and left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Like a ate a piece of liver by accident taste. Ick.  {Sorry to those that have the love for liver. }

It hit me because I'm one of the statistics this study is lovingly speaking about. I'm 34 (recently turned, as a matter of fact, hmph!) and according to this study, I have already lost more than 90% of my good eggs. Greaaaaaat. Just what I needed to hear as I begin my journey of infertility. 

But you know what? I'm not going to fully believe it. No sir. No way. I have plenty of friends that are the same age as me if not older, who are having healthy babies. So, this study  can pretty much suck it.  

In other news, had a brief phone conversation with my OB. I faxed him Mr. Dubyah's giz count results and he left me a message on Friday to discuss it. Discuss my ass. More like, ask me two questions within a 30 second time frame. This is how the convo went.

OB: Hi All Cried Out, this is Dr. OB here, how are you?


Me: I'm okay, yourself?


OB: Good. So, thanks for sending me results. Is this the first analysis he's done? 


Me: Nope, this is the 2nd analysis and it pretty much came back with the same results as the last. Tomorrow he's going to the fertility clinic to get a more detailed sperm analysis. 


OB: Oh Good! They'll be able to look at it further and discuss your options from there. 


Me: So, that's pretty much the next step?


OB: Yes. 


Me: Okay. Thank You. 


So, tell me, should I have asked him more questions? I'm so new to all of this infertility jargon that I have no clue what to ask or what to say. I feel as though he's been sorta laxed with me. Upon our first meeting, he did ask me some questions, did an informal exam on me, also ordered some blood work to see my hormone levels and such. He also stated that if Mr. Dubyah's giz analysis came back normal, that he would do a scan to see if my fallopian tubes are blocked. But, now that we found out that Mr. Dubyah's giz analysis is abnormal, he pretty much has stopped it from there. 

I guess watching Guiliana and Bill's Reality show doesn't help the situation either. So jealous that her OB went above and beyond to ensure that they were equipped to have a baby. She got a ultrasound, the dye to check if her tubes were blocked in addition to seeing if Bill's sperm was normal. WTF, right? 

I guess my question is, should I seek another OB?

Going in Knee Deep.

Breathe. Sigh. Ok, here goes. 

Well, a year and half ago, Mr. Dubyah and I got hitched after having a 10 year long distance relationship. We are one of those couples that "waited" until our mid to late 30's to get married because of our careers. Moreso, my career not his. He wanted to wait until we were both financially secure to make the vows of " till death do us part." 

Makes a whole lotta' sense, yes?  But, had I known the problems  we would encounter, I sure would have started my career a whole lot earlier. But that's not living life right? We never know what our future holds, unless we are some kind of genius psychic. 

Life post wedding was going great! Lived with my parents for a few months. Bought our first home together. Moved in. Got settled. Got a dog. Then, we finally decided to try for a baby. I mean, c'mon. How hard could it be? You have sex at the "right" time and next thing you know, you miss your period, get nauseated, throw up, take a home pregnancy test, see the double lines.......and yeah. I wish  that was the next step after we got our doggie, Maddie.  She's cute, huh? 


Woops, as I digress. Anyways, I really wished it went in that order. 


We've been trying for a whole year now and recently sought help from our beloved doctors. Mr. Dubyah's giz count results came back with a big fat FAIL. The second giz count came back a wee bit better. His boys surmised to be about 1.5 million which is in the low range, but still considered normal. However, the shape (morphology) and the way it travels (motility) came back way low in numbers. Morphology was >60 and the motility was something in the range of early 20's.


I have to say that the first time I saw his results, I nearly lost it. I thought the world was ending around me. But, the second set of results, I guess, I was a bit prepared to see them given I already knew the numbers the first time. Can I say, thank goodness? I guess. 


So, now here we are in that limbo stage. Mr. Dubyah has an appointment tomorrow with the fertility clinic to do a more detailed giz count. Why? I have no idea. I myself am waiting to call my OB this afternoon since I faxed him both of the results. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I think its because I don't want him to tell me out loud what I know I already need to do. The words, "infertility" still feel like a sucker punch to the stomach. Frankly, I still think I'm in the denial stage of it all. But, I'm just trying to trudge on and go through the motions. Keeping my fingers crossed until they are blue and hope for the best. 


Welcome to my life. Are you ready to take upon my journey to which I know is going to be an emotional rollercoaster? I'll be needing all the support I can get.