I HATE YOU, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!

I suppose it's about time I face the facts and blog.  Unfortunately, the second IUI attempt with Gonal-F didn't work. I got my period and it was honestly heartbreaking. I really thought this last cycle was going to work. Mr. Dubyah's sperm count was the highest we've seen it in the 2 years we've been seeking fertility tx's and I just had a way better attitude towards this last cycle. Plus,  I was off majority of the days that I just received the back to back IUI's. 


I'm just at a loss for words. 


It's starting to really freak me out. Almost everyone I know thinks that IVF is the answer. But really, is it? What if IVF doesn't work and then what? I know I shouldn't have a negative outlook on things, but it's really hard not to especially when you have little to none hope after so many failed cycles. 


Plus, it doesn't help that the Duggar's is pregnant again at 40+ years old. WTH???? 

Tomorrow, meds for our 3rd IUI with injections arrives. Please wish us luck. 

Things I Do and Sometimes Wonder....

DO: The stirrup things at the clinic. God I hate them. But lately, these days it  has made me want to make sure that my toes are painted a nice color. Don't ask me why? I'm just weird like that. Or am I? 

After many trips, I feel like it's one of the most important things to have done. That at to make sure your biznatch's garden is well maintained. Hah.

WONDER: I wonder if some RE's when about to start a family, have thoughts in the back of their minds wondering they are going to go through infertility themselves. Just because they deal with everyday.

And Now, We Wait.....

It's been a long weekend for me. With me working all weekend (Thursday through Sunday) and having to go to the clinic right after work, I'm exhausted. But, we got through it! 

On Saturday morning, I went in for another ultrasound and I had 4 hopeful eggs waiting to come out. My estradiol levels were 739 which was good. 

So, on Sunday we went in and did our first IUI with our favorite doctor at the clinic. Then, the next day, we did another IUI. 

As soon as our first IUI was done on Sunday, Mr. Dubyah immediately says, " it's going to work." Just out of the blue. I smile each time I think about it. I sure hope so, love. I sure hope so. 

For some reason, we feel it's different this time around because it was with our favorite doctor of the clinic. I must say, he was more gentle and sure made the IUI procedure look as if it was second nature to him. 

So, now we wait and I begin my progesterone suppositories. 

 

Right on Track

I was able to view my lab results online through my clinic's patient portal. The result: 439 pg/ml. 

If you are a first timer like me to see this number, I had  no idea what this meant. Thank you Lord for the internet. 

With some research, it looks like I'm right on track giving my cycle day which is numero 8. I stumbled upon this information when researching, "normal values" and came across the fertility community forums -- gah, sometimes I hate those because they make so anxious! Here's what I found:


A Rough Rule-of-Thumb for Good Estradiol Levels.
Exact figures are not possible. As a rough guide, however, a level in the range of 150 to 500 pg/ml is generally considered reasonable for the eighth day of a stimulated cycle. An approximate doubling of this level every 48 hours is considered promising, as a sign of continued good follicle development.

The RN that I sarcastically speaking oh so love, said that if the clinic decides to change my dosage of Gonal-F or needs to talk to me about something then she'll call me by phone. If there are no changes and everything is good, then don't expect a call. 

So far, it's been about 5 hours since I've left the clinic and no phone ringing yet. I guess that's a good thing. ** Update** As I was typing this post up, one of the RN's called and said everything looks good and no changes needed to be made. Woohoo!!!!

Cheers to being right on track!

First Time it Stung

This morning I went into the clinic to get my estradiol blood work drawn.  My appointment was for 8:55am and I had the hardest time waking up. How do you day shifters do it day after day? Two snoozes later, I finally dragged myself out of bed to travel 30 minutes away for a 10 minute appointment. F. 

I usually don't have any problems with people getting my blood. I pretty much considered myself an "easy stick." But, this time around.... can I say, ouch? 

I get the RN that I oh-so love (sarcastically, speaking) and I'm thinking, " ofcourse I would get her." I could tell right away that she was going to have a hard time getting my blood.

Why? Because of our initial conversation:
 RN: Do you normally get blood drawn from this arm (left arm)? 

ME: Yes, because I'm right handed


RN: Nods head. 


Hah, I had a feeling because when I draw blood at work, I do prefer the right arm as I'm right handed. I sorta had a feeling she felt the same way based on our conversation. 


Then she proceeds to just tap my veins for a long time and move my arm about for a bit. AND THEN, she finally sticks me but doesn't initially get it. Instead, she has to move it around making it sting so bad! 

I was planning on getting some more blood drawn from a different lab as I need some labs renewed but I opted out. I think I've been traumatized for the day, yes? 

At least I got a pink band though. :)

Feeling Uncomfortable

It's cycle 7 for me today and my ovaries felt as if they were stretching and throbbing at the same time more than usual. 

I was pretty active today as it's my last day off before heading into my work week. I tend to clean the house on my last day off. Not sure why, but I just enjoy coming back to a house that's clean. Makes me feel as if I have some kind of order in my life. 


But anyways, as I was doing laundry, cleaning the house, bathrooms, etc, the pain would kinda intensify a bit making me have to take some breaks every now then. Is this normal??? Every time, I feel that uncomfortable pain, I picture my follicles growing like a beanstalk. 


Tonight's dinner was yet another vegetarian entree. I made tofu taco's with cilantro rice as a side dish. 

 The tofu taco's were pretty fabulous. But, the cilantro rice was freakin' fantastic! I'm so glad that I decided to put back that package of Spanish rice on it shelf at the grocery story. I'm usually wary about buying processed food these days and when I saw how much sodium was in that small package of rice alone, I wanted no part of it! It was 660mg!! 


So, I decided to look up a recipe and came across this one.  Sho' glad that I came across it because I loved it. I did make some adjustments by using organic vegetable broth and cooking it on the stovetop instead of the oven as the recipe calls for. Other reviewers said they cooked theirs on the stovetop, so I figure, eh, why not. Best decision imo. 

 Well, tomorrow morning, I'm getting my first blood drawn. It's to check my estradiol levels; basically checking to see how my ovaries are responding to the Gonal-F. Wish me luck!
 

The Downside and Upside

What I'm missing right now is exercise. What helped me get through the 4 month cyst break was exercise and since starting our injections on Saturday morning, I have not stepped foot in the gym. 

Right now, I've resorted to walks with Maddie and Mr. Dubyah but I feel as though I'm not getting enough exercise during the day.  Mr. Dubyah is not really a " routine type of walker," but he does go with me when I ask him if he wants to take a walk. 

What I'm happy that I don't have to stop is eating more vegetarian foods. Lately, I've been on this vegetarian kick.  I'm not saying gone are the days of eating a big juicy steak. I do love me a big hunk of meat.

But, I am just trying to incorporate more vegetables in my life.  I'm trying so hard that I even committed to purchasing a vegetarian cookbook. 

So far, I've made a Saag Peaneer dish.  It's an Indian dish and if you love Indian food, it's a pretty good healthy alternative to this normally buttery-cream filled dish.

and Roasted Chickepea Tacos.

Source

Oh, and I can't seem to break away from these yummy roasted green bean fries. They are so addicting! 
  
So far,  I'm enjoying the vegetarian recipes. They are super easy to put together and not to mention, so fast! Personally, I think my favorite out of the twoso far is the chickpea taco's. 


Mr. Dubyah isn't missing the meat....yet. He says he feels pleasantly full but I do think he compensates the healthy vegetarian meal by indulging in a bowl of ice cream. 

 

Here We Go!

This past Saturday was THE day to start my injections. I was pretty excited to finally crank open these babies up. 

It's amazing how waiting around for 4 months for the cysts to clear can do to your "fear of needles mentality". I had no fear in the world. In fact, I performed the shot myself! Go me!!! In the back of my mind, I was thinking, that I should try and give the shot myself because 1.) What if Mr. Dubyah isn't at home to give it, then what? 2.) I just need to do it; it's much better than anticipating someone poking you with a needle than yourself, right? RIGHT???


Plus, after actually viewing the needle at the clinic, I didn't think the needle looked all too bad. It's small and very thin. 

I chose the time frame 0745-080 to do it since I work night shift and I normally get home around that time frame.

The process is pretty simple. You dial in the dosage that you want. Take off the cap from the pen, screw in the needle,  then squeeze your abdomen (below your belly button), and then stick the needle straight in and push the top of the pen so click in the medicine. 

The clinic has me on the Gonal-F protocol:
Day 1 and 2: 225 IU of Gonal-F
Day 3-8 150 IU of Gonal-F

In between those days, I go in on Day 7 to take a blood test to see how my ovaries are responding to the Gonal-F medication. Then, on Day 10 I get yet another blood test and an ultrasound to check out how many follicles are present. 


I'm pretty excited and at the same time, wondering if the psychic reading that I got awhile back may be true. She did predict September to either conceive or give birth to and September is just around the corner.  


Here's to hoping that this cycle will work. Please, oh Please, oh Please!!!!!

And Then There Were None......

These past couple of months have been such an emotional roller coaster. One month, the cysts were ever present and throbbing in its all its glory and the next month--bam, they were gone. Its funny, last month, when I was in the office to get scanned to see if the cysts were still present, I was in a mood to have a " talk" with the doctor about my present state. I was on the verge of leaving the clinic for another one. 

But, last month, the cysts were gone. Zip. Nada. I was amazed that they just disappeared. Then, for some reason, the doctor wanted to ensure that the cysts were gone, so he had me come again this month for another scan. I curse myself for not inquiring as to why we couldn't start the fertility tx's and I think the doctor that examined me this month wanted to know why too! 

So, as of now, I'm currently cyst free and as soon as I start my AF, I shall be finally starting my fertility tx's. I remember when I first received the injection medicine, I was scared about the whole needle process. Now, I really don't give a rat's ass. Let's start this baby, now! 

 

September, Huh?

I'm usually a person that is cautious when it comes to psychic readings. It kinda scares me because I don't really want to know or just hear what their predictions have to say even though they could be some sort of fraud. My motto for life is to just live and not worry.

But, right now, in this moment of my life, I'm desperate. 

Several weeks ago, I was reading an entry from, The Life of Husband and Wife and how she sought, for fun, a little psychic reading from a woman named Cherri via email. She's a baby fertility psychic and by that I mean, she has the ability to inform you of your fertility journey. It's a small fee ($12) for a little psychic fun. So, I splurged and without any hesitation, I went for it. 


Today, I got my reading. My heart fluttered as my email loaded and I eventually smiled with butterflies in my heart. 


I thought of my husband, Mr. Dubyah. This is exactly how he is. 


The reading gave me hope once again. Right now, I'm pretty down because of the cyst and being on birth control. I feel like we are at a standstill because we aren't taking steps towards making our little family. But, after reading this entry from Cherri today, I smiled and it was genuine.


Here's my reading:

Thanks for being patient with me while i got back to your reading. They show me a BOY and they relate him to SEPTEMBER so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in.

 

Your son is someone who is always going to be able to figure things out easily. Almost like as if it was for a baby, but yet its something that even some adults are finding to be tricky. Always going to have amazing focus and really pays close attention to what is happening around him. Often being involved in many things rather than just one.

 

He has good friends, tends to hang out in a larger crowd rather than just one on one.. hes very social, loves getting to know people and just sharing experience. Hes always really honest and tries to be helpful with people. Not just whatever they happen to be doing at that time, but helping them to get back on track. Hes someone who I would consider to be very compassionate, Often understanding of someones situation before they even have a good idea of what is going on.. hes usually already pinpointed the issue, and is more than willing to help them on it.

 

I am seeing your son, always being very trust worthy.. hes mature for his age, and seems to be really mellow. When everyone else is freaking out, your son is watchful. Paying attention to the details and able to put things into better perspective. He loves science, so any contests through school (like science fairs) is something that your is amazing with, and seems to love public speaking. Can be in front of the class and pretty much tell them whatever he needs to. (hes always confident)

 

When it comes to career paths, they show him working in a councilor type fashion. I am seeing him working with people who have addictions or addictive type personalities.

 

When it comes to marriage I am seeing him closer to 28. They will have two girls and one boy of  their own.

 

Courage.

Sigh. I am honestly at a loss for words these days. I was courageous and scheduled my baseline ultrasound on my 3 year wedding anniversary. To be honest, I was hoping for some wonderful news, but in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I was imagining me smiling as soon as I heard the RE announce that all ovaries are clear and it's a go to start the treatment. 


Sadly, that wasn't the case.

So, the cysts are still present. Another round of birth control and if it doesn't clear up next month, another round of surgery. I'm so over the surgeries these days. This is the most exposure I've had with getting my insides opened and it plain sucks. My belly button has a permanent scar and just below my tummy, I have yet another permanent scar-- all from the laparascopy in January. 

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Why me?

I Feel As Though....

we've taken a step back..... This past Saturday I went in to get an ultrasound because my AF finally, finally, came through. 

The cyst on the left ovary has disappeared--great! But now, on my right ovary, a small cyst has developed-- F! 
 
It was a different doctor that did the ultrasound and I like him alot more than the other two doctors that I've seen at the clinic. His bedside manners are awesome, he takes the time to actually talk with you about your situation making you not feel so rush and just another patient. I felt like I was his one and only patient. 


I worked the night before and was running on two hours of sleep. As we were sitting in the doctor's office and as he was explaining to us what our options should be, I could feel the tears well up. I tried the best I could to hold it back, and I guess it was good that I did, but I'm not sure if it was good. I ended up crying in the car on the way home. 


Why?


I'm on birth control pills to hopefully make the cyst disappear.

Now, I wait until the last week of May to do another ultrasound and see if the pill did its job. 


The bright side about all of this (I guess), is that we can go and celebrate our wedding anniversary this weekend out of town.

A New Day, Thank Goodness.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I was overwhelmed with sadness as soon as Mr. Dubyah left for work in the morning. Not sure why, but my guess is that my frustrations of trying to get preggers is starting to reach its maximum. 


Every time I would even talk about how depressed I was, tears would well up in my eyes and I would lose it. Just lose it. I'm starting to think that maybe I should seek my work's EOP and see a therapist. 


So, I took off to a friend's house who is also going through the same thing as us, except she's more put together than I am. I'm a wreck! Her calmness and her lending ear helped me tremendously. It's good that she also has a little dog to play with Maddie whom isn't afraid of big dogs. 

 Sometimes, a little doggie therapy can mend a sad girl's heart.

A Hot Day with a Refreshing Snack!

Today's weather high was 90 degrees!!! It's only 4 days into May and we are already at 90 degrees--crazy! I'm wondering if these are signs of us going to have a sweltering heated summer. 

Today, I spent the early afternoon with the BFF. She was craving sushi and I couldn't say no! Plus, I wanted to try out some DavePops at our local farmer's market. 

They are nothing like the icy popsicles that you buy at the grocery store. The texture is smoothie like--thick and creamy, which I later found out is how they are actually made--just like a smoothie! Oh, and they are not bad in the nutrition department. About 100 calories per pop and they are made of whole fruits, juices, and some are made with soy or nut milks. I saw that some are made with soda drinks and energy drinks, but I didn't try those out at all. A Red bull pop doesn't sound appealing. 

I needed this day out. Still waiting on my impending AF and I must say it's pure torture. I wished that it would just come already and not tease me with some brown spotting bs. 

A Tease of Summer

It already feels like summer is here on the west coast. The weather has been nothing but gorgeous. All I have to say, is keep the sun shining! 

Last night's dinner was some yummy chicken with asparagus and mushroom stir fry compliments of Mr. Dubyah. I always tease him that since his ethnicity is Chinese that he makes the BEST stir fry ever. Hah!

Since I was feeling kinda down because of my impending AF, we indulged after dinner and went out for some family ice cream at a local creamery called, Leatherby's. I just wanted a scoop of my favorite flavor, toasted almond. 

Even Maddie got in on some family ice cream. We bought her favorite peanut butter and banana ice cream cup. It's an organic dog ice cream called Yoghound.  

She always seems to know when we buy it that it's her "special" treat. I love that! I can tell that she loves it because usually when a dog passes by, she'll try and greet them, but when she's busy licking away on her ice cream, she pays no attention to them. Oh Maddie, you are so funny!!!

and just like that....

I went to pee today and right when I wiped, I saw "it." You all know what I'm talking about. Your heart sinks. Your mind kinda goes blank and all it could think is, "why?" 

and just like that.... in a mere few seconds, you are right back to square one. 

F. 

Pineapple. 

Hah, my word that keeps me calm--pineapple. Learned this funny technique from a friend who recently saw the up and coming comedian, Kevin Hart. In his show, he talked about how whenever he's in a complicated situation or irritated with soemthing, he says the word "pineapple" over and over and over to get him to his calm place. 

So, I've adopted it. Pineapple. Does it work? Nope. But it makes me forget just for a quick second how sad I am. 

Planning on doing the wait n' see if it truly is here. Who am I kidding? It is, just gotta make sure it's a flow and then I make the call for yet another ultrasound.

A Relaxing Weekend.

I had a very relaxing weekend this past weekend. I got to spend the day with some of my closest girlfriends, aka, "PLC" (Puma Love Club) at the spa and then have a very indulgent dinner at Tyler Florence's restaurant, Wayfare Tavern. 

One thing we wished we did was have earlier appointments so that we could use the amenities much much longer. So, what do we do? We plan for our next spa day in a month!

We spent majority of our day at Burke Williams Spa in San Francisco. Its located inside the mall which is a girl's dream to be in a spa surrounded by all sorts of stores.

They think of everything to have from the facial moisturizer, makeup remover, to the curling and flat irons and hairdryers. You really don't have to bring anything from home except your swimsuit and change of clothes. 


Dinner was pretty exciting as we were hoping and praying that Mr. Ultimate himself would show. Unfortunately, he was a no show as he recently opened two other restaurants. One in Mill Valley and the other in Napa and so his time is split up between all three restaurants. Boo. 


The husband surprised all of us by purchasing a bottle of some yummy Prosecco in celebration of our friend's upcoming nuptials and birthday. Awwwww :)I was a very proud wifey, needless to say.

The food was good, but to be honest, I wasn't blow away by it. I did enjoy my 48 hour cooked pot roast and the fresh green peas that were sprinkled about. Look how ginormous those green peas are!

Control

Just like, Janet Jackson, I want to be in controooooooooool. 

I was thinking this afternoon why I keep getting frustrated over this whole baby making journey. It basically comes down to me being in NO control over this entire journey. 

I can't control the fact that my body decides to up and create a cyst in my ovary. 

I can't control the fact that my body decides to grow some endometriosis along the lining of my uterus.

I can't control the fact that my body responds well to Clomid but yet can't seem to get the egg and sperm to meet.

I can't control the fact that I can't get pregnant.

Once I get in control, I know life would be easier. But, when will that happen? I need some sort of control soon. 

 

Fit Flops and Bestie Visits

One of my besties from Las Vegas came into town a few weekends ago. Yay for "bestie" visits! Anne is a long time friend of mines dating back to the highschool days. She was even a bridesmaid in our wedding and we were able to plan our weddings together as they were only a couple months apart!

 FYI: Anne is the beautiful bridesmaid to the left of me.

Ofcourse, there was some good eating involved. We started the day with having some lobster rolls at Old Port Lobster Shack in Redwood City. Been hearing tons of good things about this place. Needless to say, I was excited. More excited than everyone else in the party which was pretty lame. 

I got the "maine" lobster roll which is the basic roll with lobster and mayo mixed in. Comes with fries and coleslaw. Unfortunately, I was a bit disappointed. It was lacking in flavor =( Boooo. So much for that! But, I was really excited and enjoyed my very first root beer on tap. Never before had root beer on tap and I have to say this is the only way to go when it comes root beer. You taste all kinds of flavors ranging from vanilla to molasses. 

 Since her husband is not originally from California, but from West Virginia, we played tourist in San Francisco for him. Walked a ton around the city in different neighborhoods. Can you believe I've never in all my 30+ years have never been to the Haight Ashbury district? It was tons of fun seeing all the different stores and smelling the "lovely" fresh air. 

We also wandered the Mission district because our favorite ice cream shop is there. It's called Bi-Rite Creamery. If you are ever in the SF area, specifically the Mission District, you MUST try this place. Long lines, yes, but I promise you, you won't be disappointed. They have the most unique flavors that are out of this world. We had our usual, roasted banana. But, I tried a new flavor which was their Earl Grey and holy! It was sooooooooooooo good!

It was such a beautiful day, we thought we'd take Anne's husband to the Castro area.  

Fun Anne's Husband Fact: Did you know he thought Berkeley was in Oregon? 

So, yeah we head over to the Castro area and we couldn't get over the fact how there were so many "fallic" names for stores. We saw a store named " Mobey Dick", then "Hand Job" which was a "spa" shop. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. 

All the walking we did around the various neighborhoods had my feet screaming in pain. I was wearing flip flops that had absolutely zero support and to make matters worse, they were thin and flat. It was mucho no bueno. I was so envious of Anne's fit flops that she purchased and was happily walking around the city with no problems whatsoever. Whaaaaaat?? I need to get some of those asap and I certainly did! 

I love them, too! I ordered the Pietra style in black just like Anne.  I love how they can be dressy when worn with jeans that are a bit flared or boot cut because it has a jeweled tone thong. A bit pricey, yes, but in my words, worth it. I already took Maddie on a walk with them, too!

Not Sure What to Think?

Well, I got my AF a couple of days ago. Today was my baseline ultrasound to check my lovely ovaries out. What do yanno? There's a freakin' corpus lutuem cyst in my left ovary. Although my babydoctor daddy told me that it's nothing to lose sleep over because it's from the Clomid, I am losing sleep. I can't help but be bummed that once again, there's a freakin' delay in this whole baby making journey. 

Is this whole trying to have kids even meant to be for us? 

At the same time, I'm thinking, "sawweeet, no injectibles, yet!" Party time! 

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. 

 

And So It Begins....

My injectibles were delivered yesterday. Sigh. I really wished we didn't have to cross this road. I remember when we first started this whole infertility treatment, how much hope and trust that we were going to get pregnant, dare I say it... get pregnant easily with a simple IUI and clomid medication. I truly, truly did think that we were going to get pregnant with using the clomid only. 

So here we are. Meds layed out and everything and I let out a huge exhalation and pray to God that this will work.  

Mini Vacay to Hawaii

Mr. Dubyah and I just returned from our mini vacay to Honolulu, Hawaii. Back in October, Pleasant Hawaiian was having a fabulous airfare deal. $300 per person roundtrip. We are hardly the spontaneous couple to take far away trips, but when we saw the deal, we just couldn't pass it up. Plus, we've been fiending for some good ole' Hawaiian food as you can see through the pictures below. All we did was eat, eat, eat.... But that's a good thing, right?

In fact, right when we landed, we checked in our bags and headed straight a Ramen place. I swear, I'm obsessed with finding the perfect ramen place. Whenever we are in the bay area or somewhere in Southern California, I try and search for ramen places to try. 

On this trip, we got to try two ramen places, Ramen Nakamura and Gomaichai Ramen.  The two places are different as they specialize in two different broths. Ramen Nakamura specializes in oxytail broth (the hubby had the oxtail, while I had the hakata) and Gomaichai specializes in a tan tan broth which is a very spicy pork broth that takes roughly 12 hours to cook. This was my first time to try a tan tan broth and while I thought it was good, I do prefer a miso or hakata based broth. 

 {Hakata Ramen @ Ramen Nakamura}

{Tan Tan Ramen @ Gomaichai}

We ate tons, and I mean, tons of musubi's. Another food item I am obsessed with. It's funny though, because it's such a simple type of food, too! 

 
If you aren't really sure what a musubi is, it's basically a rice ball that's filled with some type of meat such as spam, sausage, tuna and it's wrapped in a nori seaweed wrapper. Basically it's Hawaii's version of sushi and I'm so obsessed with them.

We were buying them nearly everyday of our trip and heck, for our trip back home.

See, I told you I am obsessed with musubi's. Look how many are in that bag! 

We did find time to lounge in between our food adventure's. Sitting by the pool and drinking lava flow's were my cup of tea. It was kinda hard to get "comfortable" in Oahu. There are so many people there and the streets are always hustling and bustling with cars, people, restaurants, etc that you hear tons of noises. So, I must admit, it wasn't the best relaxation but don't get me wrong, I'd take this type of relaxation anyday!

I can never get bored of this view. Who wouldn't? 

The only picture taken of Mr. Dubyah and I was this one. Pretty funny. All of our pictures are of our food. 

Cake Pops. Yay or Nay?

Since the Bakerella era days, I've always thought cake pops were so adorable. I subscribe to Bakerella's blog and with each blog, I would drool over her pretty little cake pops and dreamed of a day when I could try a cake pop. Seriously. I would dream.... 


Well, Starbucks has jumped on the cake pop bandwagon recently. Read the news about them!  In fact, they had a promotion last week giving them out for free. Where was I? I had no idea. Not a dam clue! It's because of Facebook that I heard about the cakepops. All of my friends were getting their grubby hands on them. 


I finally trudged into Starbucks and scooped up one of each flavor that they had on hand. 

Starting with the pink one, known as the birthday cake pop was waaaaaaay to sweet. I needed water to wash it down. Not my fave at all. 


The tan colored with the espresso bean is the tiramisu cake pop and it was my favorite out of all three. It wasn't too sweet and the flavor of the tiramisu was just enought. I think it would taste great with coffee. 


The dark chocolate is the rocky road cake pop and again, it wasn't my favorite. A bit too chocolaty for me and too sweet. 


Would I buy these again? Probably not. Each is supposedly under 200 calories each. That's a whole lot for something that is eaten up within 2 bites. Not worth my elliptical gym time. Plus, they are a bit on the pricey side. $1.50 each, $2.50 for 2, 6 for $7.50.

Random Thoughts Related to Baby Making

Random Thought #1. 

Bummed that I cannot run anymore. This past weekend, a popular local race occurred, The Shamrock Marathon and many of my friends participated in it this year. When I was entering races, I only had about two close friends who were into running. Now, I have a handful and it just sucks that I can't share the race experience with them. 

Random Thought #2.
Been watching the show, Deliver Me, on the OWN Channel and am strangely addicted to it. I wished they had a reality show that featured infertile couples just so the awareness of it is out there much more. Plus, its something I can relate to, much more, cry about while watching it. 

Random Thought #3.
Starting our injectible cycle in April. What can get I get my dirty pause on before all the craziness starts? Overload of sushi? Have drinking binges? Go to spin class as much as I can?

Random Thought #4.
Why do I feel so ashamed of my fertility problems? It's a constant question I ask myself daily. This whole fertility issue is such a self esteem problem with me. I can't help but feel "anxious" when I'm surrounded by many of my friends who are moms. I feel as though I'm the odd man out because I can't participate in the conversation. Plus, I begin think to myself that they are going to start questioning me as to when I'm going to start having children. 

Final Random Thought #5
I saw a coworker who got married about the same time as me and is preggers with a big ole belly. I feel like I've been flunking each grade and being held back with each passing wedding anniversary. It's like our wedding anniversary is an alarm for me reminding me, " yet another year we are childless." 





 

Let's Try This Again, Shall We?

I stopped taking my prenatal pills since our last IUI/Clomid cycle. Phew. I let it out! I felt a bit guilty for stop taking them, but I couldn't help but think to myself, " what's the point?" I remember taking them for the first time thinking it was some kind of magic pill to boost my chances of getting pregnant. Yeah, I'm strange, but really, it's true. I really truly thought that if I take all of these vitamins, low dose aspirin, along with the clomid I would easily get pregnant.

When our RN coordinator asked if I was taking my prenantals, I fibbed and said, "yup!" I'm sure she could tell with the expression on my face as it's hard for me to tell a white lie. So, this afternoon, I popped on of these babies into my mouth and prayed for the best these next couple of months. 

Prayers For a Dear Friend.

Before I begin speaking about my dear friend, I must solely and guiltily admit that when I first heard about my friend getting pregnant with her first child, I was blown away. I couldn't help but think selfish thoughts such as, " how is it that she has an autoimmune disease and has been on a ton of medications all her life, suddenly stops the medications and gets pregnant?" My mind just couldn't wrap itself around it because it just made me get a bit more anxious to get pregnant. At the same time, it gave me a tiny bit of hope. If she is able to get pregnant, why can't I?

Now, my sinks for them and I feel just awful and ashamed that I was even thinking those thoughts. I've learned a valuable lesson from this experience and will remind myself the next time I begin to even think these sort of thoughts. 

This past January, my friend lost her baby girl at 28 weeks. She had to give birth to a stillborn which I think is one of the most awful events a couple or a woman has to go through. Just awful. Due to her disease, the placenta calcified and wasn't able to provide enough nutrients and oxygen to her child. 


When they first started trying to get pregnant, she completely stopped all of her scleroderma (http://www.firstgiving.com/rosemarie)medications because they were toxic. Fortunately, within about 6 months or so, they were blessed with a pregnancy. She was extremely happy. I just knew she and her husband were going to be wonderful parents and any child would be lucky to have them as parents as they are good people with the biggest hearts who live life to its fullest. 


Here's their story.

Preface
The beauty of life is while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is not spent in regret, guilt, fear or anger but in wisdom and understanding. Sometimes you have to share the darkest moments that you were forced to experience to find people just like you. Sometimes you share and people have pity on you and that’s not what you are looking for. Sometimes you share and all people hear is the pain. But all the time, you just want to know that you are not alone.

As most of you know I have an autoimmune disease called Scleroderma. (www.firstgiving.com/rosemarie) When Terry and I found out we were pregnant we received support from my OB doctor and a Perinatologist (maternal-fetal specialist). My pregnancy was considered high risk so I visited the doctor’s office every two weeks. We went through so many emotions with our Baby Girl from blood work, glucose testing to genetic testing where the tests were initially abnormal then after a second testing result concluded to be normal or negative. I was definitely a happy pregnant lady even while I was waiting for test results. Even though we experienced a great loss, I feel at peace that our angel Taitum Makaila Brown is with God and I am truly grateful to have loved her so much and be her Mommy.

Pregnancy
After our first at home pregnancy test I made a daily schedule to wake up an hour earlier than my regular time so I would have enough time to eat a nutritional breakfast and plan out all my meals throughout the day. If you spent a day with me you knew that there was a 99% chance I had string cheese, hummus and fruit in my lunch box or purse. It was really hard for me to gain weight but I didn’t want to eat or gain weight the unhealthy way so I was gaining weight by drinking a lot of whole milk, eating high fatty foods like avocado and nuts. Don’t get me wrong my love for meat didn’t reduce I ate burgers and steak but in moderation. I think the food I craved the most was Favela’s Carne Asada Nachos, Sukhothai’s Seafood salad, Evelyn’s Meat Lover’s Pizza and pretty much anything my Mom cooked and if my Mom wasn’t around I ate Filipino food at Sisig. We loved to eat. At about four months, I started to feel her swish inside me. Her little butterfly movements would wake me up and I no longer needed my alarm clock. Baby Bacon (her granddad nicknamed Her that because we love Taitum just as much as bacon, it’s that serious) knew it was almost breakfast time. I know when I ate she didn’t receive the nutrients until hours later but just like her Mama this girl knew food was an essential part of happiness.

My Baby Girl and I were in sync; I’m mildly OCD when it comes to my daily routine. I had a feeling Baby Girl’s eating habits was not the only behavior she got from me. She was on a schedule just like her Mama. I felt her most when she woke me up in the morning and about 6 pm when I would get off work and immediately eat dinner. I spoke to her all day long and at four months my baby bump was not that noticeable but I was rubbing my tummy like I was eight months big. During every shower I sang, “You are my Sunshine” and on my way to work she listened to “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars. When Terry was not working night shifts he would read her stories before we went to bed. He was such a good storyteller too. He described the pictures on the page and changed his voice on different characters (such a wonderful daddy). After stories, I would get my turn the iPodWi-Fi off and place it on my tummy so she could listen to love jams from when her Mama was growing up. Every day was different but I made sure these daily activities were part of our agenda.



A little before five months, I provided blood work for the second genetic testing. A few days later a Geneticist called to tell me that there was a jump from my first genetic testing for Down’s syndrome (two months ago the results were 1/160) the results now were 1/16. Also, the risk of Her of having spina bifida increased. I received the phone call at work and I remembered tears falling down my face and I held my tummy and told my Baby Girl you be strong just like Mommy because sometimes doctors are wrong, they tell Mommy she’s sick all the time but she doesn’t believe them. I left work early and Terry was home and we discussed the options the Geneticist explained to me. The next day I called to make an appointment for an amniocentesis and a 4D sonogram.

I knew our baby girl was a smart cookie but at our appointment with the Geneticist I knew she was a genius. Two days before the appointment Terry and I spoke to Baby Bacon and told her that a doctor was going to stick a needle in her home and she had to make sure she didn’t move so she doesn’t get scratched. Before the amnio, we spent an hour viewing her in a 4D sonogram. She waved high five at us, we saw her sucking her thumb, her butt was on the screen and her foot was in the way. Like all of the other times we saw her in a sonogram she was constantly moving. We saw that her spine was completely developed and she did not have spina bifida. The next testing was the amniocentesis and we had five minutes before the doctor performed the test and in that five minutes Terry spoke to Baby Bacon and said, “Okay, Baby Girl stay still now okay, we want you safe.” The Sonographer held the transducer so the Perinatologist could see which area would be safe to take a sample of amniotic fluid. The ten seconds that needle was in my stomach Terry and I could see our Baby Girl who was dancing all around earlier stay perfectly still during the procedure. When the needle was removed the transducer stayed in place so we could see Her heartbeat and we saw her move. She wiggled her arms and she moved right when the needle was gone. She’s such a good listener. Afterwards, we treated her to some Chicago style pizza at the infamous Zachary’s. Mama had her favorite pepperoni, mushrooms with anchovies. A week later, the Geneticist called and told us that our daughter’s chromosomes were perfect and she did not have a genetic disorder.


She was loved so much. Her Daddy interacted with her as much as I did. Every day, he left to work he gave her a kiss, a rub and talked to her. He never really felt her move until Christmas morning. TMB and I were lying in bed and he was holding my tummy and he felt her kick for the first time. She kicked really hard too. We laughed and said that was his first Christmas gift from his daughter. Her MamuBear (my Mamabear) always spoke to her and rubbed her too. MamaBear always loved holding my stomach just so she could feel Baby Bacon move around. The holidays came and we had lots of visitors at the Brown’s residence. Baby Bacon got to hear so many voices that have traveled from SoCal, NorCal and even from Washington State. Even at my Preschool story time, my kids were so excited for her to come out. One of my kids insisted that she was going to grow up and be a Transformer and she was going to look like Bumblebee because girls like yellow. She was only five months and she was able to hear and feel all the love around her every day.


We were told that I would have to deliver earlier than her due date of April 18th but we never expected anything like this…
On Monday, January 24th my parents accompanied me to a routine doctor’s appointment because TMB had a special schedule at work where it would be difficult for him to come with me. I was 28 weeks or 7 months Baby Bacon was growing inside me…. It is still painful to relive the moment. The only thing I remember is hearing my mom yell, “Nooo, not my baby” while I watched the doctor try different adjustments on the machine because he could not find Taitum’s heartbeat. I told him I heard her heartbeat last week at my Pulmonologist appointment. He looks and looks and after about a minute he repeats something I wish no ever hears, “I’m so sorry, your baby has passed away, she has no heartbeat.” At that moment I felt being in that doctor’s office was surreal and I was in denial. I was numb, there are no tears falling down my face until I sit up and look at the monitor. The little heart that I used to see pump and her hand that would always wave at me stayed still. Nothing…my Baby Girl the little life that I was growing inside me had stopped…

I was induced into labor later that evening, the thought of having to deliver a baby that was stillborn tore my heart. All of the dreams that I had for Baby Bacon had to stay as dreams. I spoke to God a lot that day, I mainly asked him why? I thought living with Scleroderma was already hard but now I have to live through losing my first child. “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” How much stronger do I have to be? I was so angry, so hurt and so empty. Throughout this heartache my husband reminded me that we can’t waste time being angry or put blame on what happened. This is why I married this man; I started to focus on the labor and thought about the future hours because soon we would see Her face. Soon I would be able to kiss her little cheeks and although she would not be alive to feel the love this was time to show her more LOVE than she ever knew. My parents and TMB’s parents and brother stayed with us at the hospital. We are really blessed to have such a close family who is supportive and love us unconditionally. I tell TMB all the time I love our families.

We stayed overnight in the hospital and one of the nurses asked if we had picked a name for our baby. TMB and I have talked about it before but if you know my husband he always joked about names like Bertha and Penelope. I asked if he liked Angel because she would be an angel or we could name her Baby Bacon on the birth certificate because that’s what we’ve been calling her. Then I reminded him about how I wanted Her to have the same initials as him so I can call her “Junior.” He agreed he liked the idea and suggested we go with the name I mentioned to him a while ago. I knew her middle name would be Makaila because her Daddy’s middle name is Michael meaning “son of God”. There were a handful of names that began with “T” that I loved but I really loved the meaning of Taitum, which means “blessing of joy”. So at 12:03pm on Tuesday, January 25th Taitum Makaila Brown was delivered and although her time with us was short she truly was a blessing of joy from God.

After the delivery the doctors had a clue that the reason Taitum was not able to survive was the lack of nutrients and oxygen from the placenta. The placenta that I delivered was very small for seven months and showed calcification. A few weeks the Pathologist confirmed that it was the calcified placenta. The Scleroderma for some reason had antibodies that were affecting the placenta but we didn’t know how fast or how much it would affect the pregnancy. We were told Taitum passed a few days before the doctor visit. We learned from the autopsy if we were to deliver her earlier she would have not survived because her lungs and liver were underdeveloped. Her lungs and liver was the size of a baby who is four months and she lived to seven months. We are definitely blessed to have felt her move, kick and see her several times wave to us and show us she knew how to suck her thumb. She definitely was strong like her Mommy.

A little over a month has passed since she was delivered and I still have my moments. I have been to group therapy counseling and will attend one and one counseling for grief but I feel what has really helped me cope with my feelings is spending time with my Mom, Dad, Brother, Husband, in-laws and family and close friends. Those moments are hands down the best therapy. They don’t help me forget Taitum they remind me that I can still smile, laugh and live life while she’s in heaven waiting for me. It truly is a special feeling to have loved ones acknowledge our daughter. I don’t think I will ever understand why babies die. They never had the chance to explore the world. I imagine it’s a complex way of showing us how unexpected life can be. I believe in God and I believe he has a path for my husband and I. The path has definitely made us stop in tracks but it is up to TMB and I to get going again. There are no plans for a baby anytime soon. We want to make sure we can give 110% love to our future child. We are very optimistic and have a strong team of doctors that know what to look for in a future pregnancy and they all agree that it is possible with medication and closely monitoring with advanced sonograms it is possible for me to have a healthy baby. Every placenta and baby is different so please keep positive thoughts. This experience has been extremely heartbreaking but Terry and I honestly feel that we will be okay. Thank you for reading.