Here's to Hoping for 2011

Well, tomorrow I'll be a whopping 35 years old. Gah! I'm absolutely dreading it because it's 5 years away from the big 4-0. It's also the "age" where having a child gets a bit harder to have. Oh, and it's the age where I'll be getting my lovely Aunty Flow on. What a messed up birthday present my body can give me, yes? Not funny! 

Yesterday, we had a visit with our doctor at the clinic to discuss the next steps with our baby making journey. He gave us three options:

1.) Get a laparoscopy surgery to check my pelvic area if I have what's called, " endometriosis." Since I had polyps removed over the summer in uterus, he wanted to make sure that I didn't have any of that stuff in my pelvic area because it can also impede on pregnancy. He also stated that he would check my uterus to see if any of the polyps returned.

2.) Post Lapascopy surgery, begin injectible medication called Gonal-F and do another IUI. 

3.) Bypass the above options and go straight to IVF. 

Here's my issue. Mr. Dubyah and I would love to go straight to IVF because it's been such an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs (mostly downs). We've been putting all of our hopes and dreams into each cycle every single month and it gets sadly deflated so quickly. 

But, my gut is telling me to do the laparascopy surgery just to make sure that there is nothing there. Even though the doctor has stated that the surgery doesn't matter if we go through IVF, my fear is that, " what if" we decide to go through IVF sans the surgery and we don't end up pregnant? I guess reading fertility blogs and message boards doesn't help my decision either. Also, IVF is very costly and having to go through something with that lingering over my head just makes me all uneasy. 

Operation Pregnancy: Big Fat Fail.

Yup, numero 4 IUI was a big fat fail once again. Can someone just snap me out of this nightmare I'm having? Seriously. This whole " hope" thing is getting old and it's beginning to tear me apart. I'm starting to dread it when the conversation of my friends becomes about their children and what milestones they reached. I try and put a happy face, but I can't help but feel as if I'm the odd man out. 

I'm really trying to understand why? Why this is happening to us? Why can't I get pregnant when our numbers look so good? or when the timing of our IUI are near perfect? 

As much as I don't want to, we are probably going to move on to injectibles. I hate needles. Despise them. To think that I might have to inject the medicine by myself just freaks me out. 


So, this month we are taking a break. Mr. Dubyah will be out of town the weekend I"m ovulating and well, we have an office visit to discuss what's next with our doctor.

Surprisingly, with this fail, I'm eager for the Christmas season that is just around the corner. Usually, I"m a traditionalist and wait to decorate the house and start Christmas shopping until after Thanksgiving. But the other day, I got the itch to decorate the house. 

Can I just express to you how excited I was to have a mantel this Christmas season? Last year, I was bummed that we couldn't hang up our stockings. It looked pretty ridiculous with the white 3M rubber hangers.  

I decided to go with a multicolor assortment of ornaments this year as opposed to the last two years where it's been a gold-bronze color. I am kinda diggin' the multicolor theme, I must say. It makes me smile. 

I got to use some of the ornaments that I purchased during the post Christmas sales last year. Like these bird cage ornaments.  Cute, yes?

 

A Smiles Brings all the Good Things in the World.

On Saturday, I took an ovulation test and this beautiful smile came out on the screen. The next day we did our third IUI and baby danced thereafter..... 

I am sometimes in awe of how much one can put themselves in "hope." I'm putting all my hopes and dreams in this third IUI. I really hope that the third time is a charm and in two weeks I'll see another happy face. 

Last night, I watched the premiere episode of Guiliani and Rancic's reality show, Season 3. I cried the entire time as she was going through the shots because I understood her hopes and fears. It truly is a hard thing to go through. You put your body through so much and top of that, you put all of your hopes and dreams in this whole trying to conceive the science way. 

I cried when I they announced they were pregnant on their first IVF try with twins! But, I was so sad to find out later online that she had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. 

Night and Day.

What a difference a different doctor can make. Oh, I just wished that the headmaster of the clinic was the person doing all my IUI's. Heck, I wished that he did the first one because he surely is awesome! 


This morning Mr. Dubyah and I went in for our third IUI. Yesterday, the headmaster scanned my uterus and found 1 mature follicle at 23mm and two on the left ovary measuring at 16mm each. He gave me the ovidrel shot to help with the maturation of the 16's and ovulation and guess what, this morning, he scanned me a second time to make sure that the eggs ruptured! Am I shocked? Heck yes. 


The last two IUI's, the rookie, didn't scan me; he just did the insemination.  In fact, the headmaster wanted to scan me not only to ensure that the eggs ruptured but to see if we needed a second insemination. WTF? 


I've always wondered why the rookie didn't scan me the second time to take a look and see if the eggs ruptured or not. It just made sense to scan me. But, being passive aggressive coupled with the fact that I want to entrust that he knows what he's doing, I didn't pose the question whatsoever. 


So, today, when he scanned me, all three follicles ruptured which means there are three eggs awaiting for Mr. Dubyah's sperm. Run, sperm, run! 


What I also like about the headmaster is that he explains everything without you even inquiring. I love that! It's like he contemplates every question and knows when to answer them. 


Here's to hoping third time is a charm!

Anxious

I am so hating my body today. But, I knew I should have waited. I guess I got all "cocky" knowing that I always show a positive on Day 13 of my cycle. But when the kits showed negative, not once but twice this am,  I got nervous. Like, desperate, oh shit, nervous!

 I tend to show a positive surge on the ovulation kits later in the morning, like around 1100-12pm'ish. But, nooo, stupid me, had to test twice before that time frame and give the clinic a call telling them that I did not see a positive surge. So now, I'm stuck with an appointment to see them tomorrow morning at 0815 despite me telling them that I show a positive later in the morning. The RN said something that I could take so many and that it creates a false positive? Say What? Whatevers. I'm just going with it. Maybe it could be a good thing. Like, the timing of it all can be perfect, right?


Let's just hope for the best. I'm so anxious right now. I keep looking at the ovulation kit that I just took and it screams ovulating. Ok, Ok, it's maybe not screaming, but it's certainly "informing" me. 


I know this is a horrible picture of the kit and you can vaguely see the line. I'm not going crazy! Really, I see it.

Well, here's to IUI#3 tomorrow. Please God, let this be the cycle we get pregnant. Please!!!

The Bright Side.

On the bright side of this whole, " not being pregnant," thing is that, hey!, I can grub on some oysters this coming weekend! 

I've been planning a trip for our close family and friends to have a little picnic at Tomales Oyster Farm in Point Reyes, CA. I am a huge fan of oysters. Huge! So, least to say, I'm wildly excited about this trip even though it's quite a trek for us. It's roughly a 2-3 hour drive and from what I hear, it can be a very twisty ride. 

What we get to do is snag our table as it's a first come first serve basis. Then, we go ahead and purchase a bag or two or three of oysters. Depending on the size (extra small, small, medium, large), the price can range for a bag of 50 oysters can range from $35.00 to $70.00.  


I'm so looking to some quality time with the family.

Big Fail.

I think I'm ready now to talk about this. Huge disappointment. Heck, even my doctor and nurse were surprised since I responded so well to the medications and Mr. Dubyah had a great count. 

I'm. Not. Pregnant. 

A few days prior to having to take " the test", I had a feeling that I wasn't. I was feeling my period symptoms in my stomach area. I knew it was the period symptoms because they were aches I've felt far too often.  And yup, come Sunday morning as I woke up and went to the bathroom for my morning pee, there it was. Part of me was hoping that I was wrong and that I was pregnant. 

So, here's to hoping in the sayin, " Third times a charm." 

Tomorrow is "D" Day.

Tomorrow will be the end of my two week wait of my second IUI. I must say, I had absolute no desire to test early in the week as I did with my last IUI. I still have no desire to test tomorrow. Ultimately, I think I"m going to wait it out through the weekend and pretty much wait and see. Call me callous? Yes. I've developed a callous on this so-called infertility journey. I'm scared to see what the test will result will be. 

Its funny how a single small window can practically change your entire life. Your emotions. Your mentality. It's pure agony. 

I've been thinking alot lately whether or not I should continue on with a third IUI if I'm not pregnant with this cycle. I kinda want to take a break. Focus on me.... eating better, losing at least 20 pounds, gather my belongings and taking control basically. 

Let's Try This Again, Shall We?

It was no surprise for me that I showed a positive surge on Day 13. I wasn't as excited as last month.  Maybe it was because I worked the night before and had sleep on my mind. 

Made a call into the clinic, left a message with my positive surge, and waited for their call back.

Just as expected, I went in later that afternoon with Mr. Dubyah in hand. I had no mature follicles on the right ovary which kinda dropped my heart for a second. But, when he switched over to the left, that's when my favorite RN exclaimed, " There's the ticket!" Gosh, I heart her. I had three mature folllicles. The biggest one measuring at a whopping 33cm, then the other two were at 26mm and 24mm. Pretty darn good! Also, my RE noticed some free fluid which concerned me at first because I had no idea what free fluid meant. Good or bad? He then explained to me that I'm getting ready to ovulate and the egg is about to rupture. So, they wasted no time and said we are going to do the IUI this afternoon! 

No back to back champtionship insemination this time which had me wondering why not? The good news was that Mr. Dubyah's sperm count was at 7.8 million! Wahoo!


So, once again, I'm in the two week wait. The difference is that I'm not as anxious as the last cycle despite my favorite RN stating to me that she just feels as though I'm going to get pregnant this cycle. She's such a sweetheart and I really appreciate her enthusiasm. For some reason, words coming from her give me hope.

That Dreadful Question.

I am starting to dread that awful question that most couples get when they've been married for quite some time. I most especially dread it from young couples that push and push it on you to the point of you wanting to stay away from them.  


THE QUESTION: When are you guys having kids?

This past weekend, I was dreading that person. I knew that she was going to ask me. Heck, every time I see her, she makes it a point in our conversation to ask me when we are going to have kids. My response this time, " We are practicing." Her response, " Well, you guys have been practicing for awhile." 

Mr. Dubyah wants me to talk with her and hopefully educate her how personal this question can be to some people.  But, I don't think I"m ready for that " talk" with her yet. I'm still grudging over our long ago phone conversation when her daughter was sick and she was worried about her breathing. To make the long story short, she basically said to me, " You'll understand when you are pregnant and a mom." The heck?!? Excuse me? I took it as a snide remark and a bit condescending. 

Soooo, you can say that I'm still bitter and I'm afraid that when I talk with her it may come out the wrong way or I may have an emotional breakdown of some embarrassing sort. 

To be fair, I don't think alot of people realize how personal " the when are you going to have kids?" question is. I don't think they think that alot of couples face infertility issues. Honestly, if I didn't have to go through the struggle of conceiving a child, I probably would be one of those people. 

 

It's alot easier this time. My second round of IUI. I now know what to expect. The twinges. The burning sensation. The headaches. I just hope that I don't grow too accustOomed to it as I don't want to be doing these rounds over and over. 

I'm on CD 11 which means I've busted out the ovulation testing kits. Hoping to get inseminated this weekend. What sucks is that we were suppose to visit the in laws this weekend because my father in law isn't doing so well, healthwise. I feel awful that we most likely can't visit them. Hopefully, we can visit them soon, but with all these weddings we have this month, I find it unlikely. The soonest is the end of October. 
 


 

Moving On

This past Sunday I got my AF. I knew it was coming. It was no surprise. The fertility clinic told me that they were expecting me to receive my menses on that day too. Wished they would have given me a heads up that the suppositories can delay my AF. Talk about giving my hopes up! 

I had to find this out via message boards. Oh, what would I have done if the internet didn't exist. I'm not sure how women in the 80's and early 90's survived without all the information that I'm finding out via the internet.  Yet alone, how did they manage to find support while going through all of this?

So, right now, I'm back to square one which is starting with 100mg Clomid Days 3-7 and then taking my headache medicine, Estrace on Days 8-11. Possible IUI #2 will be in a couple of weeks and then the waiting game renews. 

The husband and mamasita keep telling me to not be stressed out about it. This kinda annoys me a bit.  I understand what they are saying, but what annoys me the most is how they say it. It's almost they are getting irritated with me which in turn makes me defensive and not wanting to vent out my frustrations to them for fear that they will get mad that I'm stressing over it. 

How can I not when I'm the one taking all these pills which are a daily reminder of our infertility?

Well, here's to hoping once again that IUI #2 will work. Trying to stay positive.

Todays marks the 14th Day.

Today marks the 14th day since I had IUI #1 done. Yesterday was Cycle Day 28 for me and no period. Today I have no trace of a period either. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut, I have been getting negative's on my home pregnancy tests.

I

I can't help but wonder if it's the Progesterone Suppositories that they had me take the day after the IUI procedure that is keeping my period away. I keep reading lots of posts on fertility boards that say this. However, at the same time, I keep hoping and praying that isn't the case and my HCG levels are not enough for the home test to pick up. One can dream, right? 

This whole being late scares me though. I've always been a regular period kinda gal. By the book if you must say. 28 days. So, I'm hoping these fertility drugs didn't mess up my system. 

I did put in a call to the clinic this morning to find out what I should do. Whether I should wait a few more days, stop taking the suppositories, come in for a blood test? Ugh. 

8dpIUI

It's been eight days since my back to back championship IUI and I'm literally dying here. This 2 week wait is no joke like many people say. I'm trying to keep myself busy, but my mind always falls back to, " I wonder..., or, wait, what is that pain?"

A few days after the IUI, I did feel twinges of pain. Now, all I have is a sore throat and cough and no other symptoms which makes me think that my lovely AF is going to visit me in a few days. According to my Periodtracker, it's due to arrive in 4 days. I sure hope not.

Today, I'm hoping to get things off my mind by joining my girlfriends in an all afternoon Spa Day at Burke Williams. I've never been to BW. Heard good things about them which makes me quite excited about the whole experience. I decided to get the Emily's Intrigue which is one of their signature treatments.

One more week and we shall all know the Ugly Truth.

I had sex without the sex part.

This morning, I had sex without the sex part. Cept' it was all mechanical and formal and oh yeah and it got pretty kinky because there not one but TWO televisions and we all played nurse/doctor roles. 

All jokes aside, this morning at around 1115, Mr. Dubyah and I did our first IUI treatment. It was pretty gnarly only because and it all makes sense with the whole lube and don't want to kill the sperm theory.  The doctor didn't use lube on the wand. Instead he used water and so it went in pretty raw and it was a bit uncomfortable at first. I had to take in some deep breaths quite a few times to relax myself. Even Mr. Dubyah was requesting me to relax as he could see I was in discomfort. I truly wanted to yell at him and say, wouldn't you be unrelaxed if you had two wands shoved up your hoo haw??? 

Anyways, the good news is that Mr. Dubyah produced 4.6 million sperm. My eggs haven't bursted yet out of its follicle. We are hoping that it will burst within the next 24 hours or so and because of that, we get to do this all again tomorrow afternoon! Yup, just like back to back championships for many sports teams, we get a back to back IUI's. 


Right now, I'm feeling a bit crampy and bloated from the mature follicles. It's like I am waiting for something to just break open so that I can relax. I'm a bit tired but I think it has to do with having to wake up early and having a pretty hardy breakfast. 


Until tomorrow....... we wait for 2 weeks and see if we are preggers.

#1 IUI Here I Come!

As I'm typing this, I'm anxiously waiting for Mr. Dubyah to get ready so that we can head on out to the clinic. His appointment is for 0900 and then two hours later, 01100, I'm going to get turkey basted with his giz. My apologies for the way in stating it, but being so informal helps me calm down and not be so down and out about this whole trying to make a baby thing. 

So, with that said, wish us luck! Ready or not, here we come guys! 

Eating My Words, Literally.

OH MY FREAKIN' GOD!!!! Holy Crap! These were the words coming out of my mouth and silently speaking from my mind when I went with my gut and took an ovulation test this afternoon. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is MY VERY FIRST ovulation test that has appeared like this. + SURGE, baby! Hell to the YES!

Nevermind that I literally just got off the phone with the RN at the clinic to make an appointment for the next day because I had a negative surge this am. Heck, I'm trying to have a child here, people! So, yes, I did call the clinic back and yes I did tell her that I just did a 2nd ovulation test and ummm, it's positive. 

So, with that said, she had me come in that day and guess freakin' what? I have two mature follicles; one on each ovary. One is 22mm and the other one is 23mm. The RN gave me the trigger shot to help mature the egg even more and we are schedule for an IUI tomorrow morning! Holy Hell Batman! I'm ecstatic and nervous at the same time. But, I really need to calm my ass down. Seriously. I don't want to count my eggs (no pun intended) before they are hatched. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I need to stay strong, keep my wall up. But, by golly, we are going to do IUI tomorrow morning!! Wish us luck! Can you tell that I'm a newbie? Just a tad, huh? 

Stupid Pink Lines Continued.

Why can't these kits be clearer? For God's sake, we are living in the 21st century, and yet, its hard to tell whether or not you are picking up an LH surge or not. Maybe it's me though? Stupid me. Looking at the lines too much and over analyzing them. 

For instance, this morning, Cycle day 13, I grudgingly take out an ovulation kit and pee into a cup, stick the kit in, wait, wait, wait.... and I see this, {again}.

Looking at the picture, it's pretty obvious that there is no 2nd line. But, I swear, in person, the line I see has some dark pink to it, albeit, its faint. Ugh. 

It looks like its up to the clinic to decide whether or not I'm ovulating. I made a call already to them for a CD14 LH surge check. This whole ovulation thing scares me. I know that I get my period every month, but I can't help but think, am I ovulating? I have never been lucky with these things, hence the reason why I hate them so much!

Stupid pink lines.

It's cycle day 12 and I feel like crap. The Estrace pills have been giving me headaches and it feels as though they last all day long despite taking medication for the headaches. Ugh. Fortunately, today is the last day that I'm taking them. I hope the headaches go away as soon as I stop taking them.

Yesterday, I started testing my LH surge with the ovulation kits. So far, no surge. Today, I even did the test twice. Once in the morning and the second time in the early afternoon after reading that its best to test for ovulation in the afternoon. I had high hopes that I would see a matching line, but unfortunately, no line. Makes me wonder, am I ovulating?? 

The plan is if I don't see a surge tomorrow, then I am to call the clinic so that they can see if I'm ovulating via ultrasound. 

Here's to hoping.

Oh, the anticipation.....

Today, I had to suck it up and drive to my doctor's office to get a Tdap vaccination. I was a wee bit close in not going, but I forced myself for the love of our "potential" pregnancy. You see, I HATE needles. I hate them even more so now since I'm having to come in contact with them more and more. It's not the getting blood from me part that gets me, because fortunately, I was blessed with pretty good easy to see veins, but it's the "anticipation" part that I dread the most. You can be talking to me trying to distract me, but in the back of my mind, I'm still waiting for that needle to break skin. 

It was thankfully over before I knew it, but I do remember closing my eyes as she injected the vaccine in me. 

What's funny about this entire story is that I stick people too at work and I have no problems doing so. The worse part, it's not the vein, it's the artery which means it's much deeper and it's like finding a needle in a haystack. 

Cycle Day 5

I am three days into taking the Clomid and so far, so good! This morning, I did feel a little bit of cramping, but it was no big deal. On Day 8 of my cycle, I should be starting the Estrace and then the following Monday, I begin testing to see if I'm ovulating. 

I'm not too thrilled about the ovulation testing as I didn't have much success with it when I was trying to figure out when I did ovulate. The above picture is exactly how I look when I'm looking at the stick. Am I or not?!? 

I wonder if it has alot to do with my night shift schedule. I don't really sleep well on days where I worked the night before. I can easily fall asleep once I get home, but like clockwork, I wake up two to three hours later. In fact, it's usually right on the dot at 11:00 am. 

The clinic wants me to use the 2nd urine of the morning. When I initially tested, I used the urine when I first woke up 2 hours later after going to sleep. So, hopefully using the 2nd urine of the morning will help me determine if I'm ovulating. Nonetheless, I am to go into the clinic on cycle day 13 if I have no detection. 

 

Timing of AF Sucks!

I swear. My AF always seems to come at the most perfect time (sarcastically speaking).

I got my AF during my wedding. My poor BFF had the honor of removing a blood stain from my dress. 

I got my AF last year during a camping trip and well, like tradition, I got my AF once again during our camping trip in Santa Margarita. Most importantly, it had to be when I was far, far, away and with sucky reception to call the fertility clinic to order my meds so that we can get started on our first IUI.


But, life goes on and thankfully my parents had "Verizon" as their phone carrier and I was able to call up the fertility clinic and receive calls with no problemo. Phew! Thank you Verizon. But, I still love my iPhone :)








Right now, I am taking two pills of Clomid making up 100mg, a low dose aspirin to help with blood circulation, and ofcourse, prenatal pills. So far, so good. No mood swings yet, but I'm only two days into the meds. What I noticed however is that my cramps are not as bad, no blood clots either, post surgery, which I absolutely love. 

and we are off...... well sorta!

I was watching TLC's show, The Little Couple, and it was the episode where they begin demolishing the house they were going to build on. When demolishing happened, he said something that I couldn't help but agree with him more and that is the word, " progess." 

He said that seeing the demolition of the old house made him feel as if they were making steps towards their new house and basically making " progress" and it felt really good. 

This is how I essentially feel at this time. 


I spoke with the RN at the fertility clinic this morning as I had contacted them letting them know that I've had my polyp removal surgery and should be starting my period next week. With that said,  the clinic has devised an IUI treatment plan for me. Can I say, " exciting?" Why? It's progress.  This is the part where you join me in clapping your hands and jumping up and down. I'm really excited. 


By the way, my surgery went well. I don't remember a single thing during the surgery as I was temporary intubated and knocked out. I woke up very grudgingly and groggily, and oh, nauseated in the recovery room. Slept pretty much the entire day and returned to work two days later with no complications. Let's hope that it doesn't grow back anytime soon, yes?

Polyp Removal a Success!

Yesterday, I had my polyp(s) removed. Surgery was scheduled for 8:30 am, but I had to arrive at the Outpatient Surgery center at 7:00. Just a wee bit early for me, but it was okay because I wanted these pesky little things out of me! 

This was my first surgery ever, so I was a nervous. The RN and I could tell because my blood pressure was a bit high (140/80). Thankfully, it went down post surgery to a more normal value. I wish I could tell you how the surgery went, but I couldn't as I was knocked out completely. All I remember was the anasthesiologist giving me oxygen through a mask and next thing I knew, I was groggily waking up in the step down recovery unit.  I felt so nauseated from the anasthesia that they had to give me a couple of anti-nausea medicine to help me. 

A little bit of cramping took place every now and then all day yesterday and I was very sleepy. 

Today, I feel better, but I'm just taking it easy per the doctor's instructions. I was scheduled to work tonight and tomorrow, but he advised that I take a few days off. I couldn't agree with him more. It's a good thing I asked in our pre-op appointment. 


Right now, my worries is that the polyps will grow back. I'm so very hopeful however that the removal of the polyps will help us get pregnant. I can't help but peruse the internet to find success stories of polyp removal, but at the same time, I know it's driving me insane. 


Please God. Please let this work.

 

A Little bit of Optimism.

I just finished up the last of the prerequisite lab/tests for the fertility clinic before starting any treatments.  My outpatient surgery to remove the polyp/fibroid is scheduled later this month. So if all goes well, we can hopefully start our IUI treatment next month. 

I'm very pleased to report that my FSH levels came back normal. Phew! I emailed my parents regarding my numbers and in the email said that " This Spring Chicken still got it!" My Mom replies with, " I always knew you were a Foster Farms chicken!" Hahaha, just gotta laugh. Too funny Mom. 

Since learning that the polyp/fibroid that is in me needs to be removed because it may affect implantation or cause a miscarriage, it got me thinking..... Is this the reason why we couldn't get pregnant because of this darn skin tag?!? Once we remove it, I wonder if we can get pregnant on our own? 

I'm trying to be optimistic. Please keep your fingers and toes crossed for us. 

Another delay?

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if the tiny delays that I've had to encounter is equivalent to red flags, or it just pure coincidence? 

My latest delay is outpatient surgery. Our RE called me personally this morning ( I love that!), to tell me that he reviewed my HSG film to take a closer look at the polyp/fibroid. He would like to have it removed because it's big enough where it may be impeding on implantation or if I were to get pregnant, may cause a miscarriage. Screw you Catholic OB for telling me that it shouldn't impede on me getting pregnant. 

This is the most times of my entire life, thus far, that I've been poked and prodded. Am I playing catch up?  


On another note, Mr. Dubyah and I celebrated our 2 year Wedding Anniversary this past weekend. Our Anniversary date is May 25th. We celebrated by taking a local vacation to the California coast and stayed in the very charming town of Los Gatos, CA. 

The town of Los Gatos is such a cute place to live in. I loved every inch of it. From the oh-so retro yet modern homes surrounding the hills and streets, to it being a very pet friendly place. There were doggies everywhere. Maddie absolutely loved it, that's for sure! 

We stayed at the Los Gatos Hotel & Spa which is a pet friendly hotel. I loved that they don't charge an extra fee for your pet to stay. The moment you step in, you immediately take in the smells of lavender that follows you from the lobby and into your room. 

When we arrived in our room, I was swooning with the Mediterranean charm and oooh and awwwing over how they took care of Maddie as well. 








They provided her a doggy bed and two ceramic bowls for her water and food. 




 

They even provided a small bag of gourmet doggy treats from a local pet boutique called Bow Wowser. 


We had such a relaxing time. It was a good small getaway and I'm so glad that we decided to celebrate our anniversary this way. I love exploring the nooks and crannies of the areas around us. 

The Initial Consult.

We finally had our initial consult with the fertility clinic. It was suppose to be last week, but due to my Dr.'s surgery schedule, they had to reschedule it, which I'm really, really, thankful for as I'll explain why later. 

As I pulled into the parking lot, I still couldn't believe that I was going into a fertility clinic. I guess you can say that I am and have been in denial regarding our trying to conceive. I keep hoping that we'll magically get pregnant on our own each month. Obviously, that hasn't been the case, but hey, when you have an unexplained infertility issue going on between the two of us, it can't hurt to dream, yes?

When I walked in, it was kinda comforting seeing people in the waiting room that were there for the same reason as you and that was "having a hard time getting pregnant." For some reason, I was soaking the environment all in as if I were going to write a novel describing the place. Weird, I know. But, knowing that this will be a place to visit for awhile, I wanted to get used to where everything is. 


One thing I noticed is that they had many, many doors. People were being called in from various locations. It was kinda funny. The first time when I got called in, they called me from the door closest to me to get my vitals such as my height, weight, temperature, blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen level. They even took a couple picture of us for our file which I found kinda funny. 


Then, they had us wait again in the waiting room and finally after what seemed like an hour, they called us in again but from another door which I couldn't see. I heard my name, but just couldn't figure out where it was being called at. It was all too funny. 


The doctor (RE) we met up with is the head of the facility. Before coming in, I've heard good reviews about him. It was good to finally meet him and see how caring and compassionate he is which reasassured my confidence in him.  He basically went over our file and then did an ultrasound on me. So glad that our consult appointment was done today as I just finished up my AF. Had it been last week, they would have seen me in all my gory, gunky, self. The day of our first appointment I just started my AF and when I just start my AF, I am very heavily flowing. Can you just imagine the horror??? 

Right now, our plan is to get some blood work done. One of them being an FSH level on Day 3. My Catholic OB did get an FSH level done, but it was done randomly. The result of it was within normal limits, which was encouraging but he still wanted to get a Day 3 FSH level. Once all the labs are done, he's then going to start me on the fertility drug, Clomid and we'll do IUI. 


Hopefully, we can start in July. Here's for a great summer everyone!

Today is not a Good Day.

Today is not a good day for me. I'm sad. Just sad. I'm trying to get out of this funk, but it's really hard. I wish I could go back in time to two years ago on our wedding day when I was happy and hadn't a clue of what me and Mr. Dubyah were going to go through in the following months.

I keep hoping that we'll beat this. That we'll magically and naturally get pregnant. Like this month. Alas, I am feeling my AF symptoms and it's making me sad. I hate this. Why? 

Just yesterday afternoon while grocery shopping at our lovely Walmart, we hear a mother of two shouting quite loudly to her 2 year old children to " SHUTUP." I felt so bad for the kids. A woman who we later found out is a {off duty} police officer gained the courage to step to the mother and told her that there is no need to yell at her children like that. It became a huge shouting fight, moreso by the mother; not by the police officer, ofcourse. She was really making it a big production. 

But just witnessing this whole event made me wonder why people like her are able to have children. I swear, it's just not fair! 

This coming Thursday is our first appointment with the fertility clinic. I'm happy that's its with the head of the fertility clinic. Gives me some hope that we'll be able to get pregnant.We'll see. It's pretty much an informational appointment with the clinic and our RE. Here's to hoping for a good session!
 

The Alternative.

This afternoon I went to my very first acupuncture session with Dr. Cherry. I've read so many good things about this guy that I guess I had these high expectations of him being so compassionate and caring and boy, were they all correct. I was able to open up to him like no other despite just meeting him for the first time. Weird, no?

We discussed me trying to conceive and was very surprised that the Catholic OB didn't order an FSH test. Yeah, same here, buddy! I didn't know about an FSH test until after the fact that I got referred to the fertility clinic and frankly at this point, whatever. I'm positive that the fertility clinic will order the test, no doubt. 

He did a 25 minute acupuncture treatment on me. When he placed the needles on me, it just felt like a slight pinch but that was it. No other pain whatsoever. He had me lay there for about 25 minutes and in those 25 minutes, I closed my eyes and tried to relax. It was sorta hard though because I hear the receptionist laugh and hear other people talk despite the Massage Envy type of music playing in the background.   There was a needle in each of my ears, one in the middle of my forehead, a few on my lower limbs and lower abdoment area. 


In all honesty, I'm not quite sure about this yet.  He would like to me visit him on a weekly visit. I failed to ask him how much each visit would cost me. If it is $145 per session, I may have to re-think this. 


He gave me a book, titled, The Infertility Cure, by Randine Lewis. I read a few chapters in it and some aspects of it has caught my interest, whereas some didn't. I just can't help but wonder if it's all more of a psychological belief when it comes to Eastern medicine. My pessimist side can't help but come out.

A New Chapter

Well, I went through the HSG test and I gotta be honest that I was dreading the test the whole time. I was scared to feel what I was going to feel and nervous what I was going to see. Are my tubes open? 

Happy to report, YES THEY ARE OPEN, but what the hell? Why no baby then? I didn't experience any cramping whatsoever. I'm not sure if it had to do with the 400mg of Ibuprofen I took an hour before the test or because my tubes were open. Nonetheless, it was pain free but slightly uncomfortable. 

Catholic OB called me the next day and went over the test and just as I anticipated, he referred us to the Northern California Fertility Clinic. So, here we are, about to start a new chapter in our lives. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm excited. I just want to move on. 

Our lovely packet came in the mail and I gotta admit that I still can't believe that we are having problems conceiving a child despite the fat teal print staring right back at me with the words, " fertility medical clinic." Why, oh Why God? What are you trying to teach me? Because seriously,  this is causing nothing but stress and lots of emotions. 

I've also made an appointment with a acupuncturist that specializes in infertility and works with the fertility clinic we are going to go to. Unfortunately, even though our insurance covers acupuncture 20 times of the year, they don't cover this particular one. There are designated acupuncturist we are supposed to go per our insurance and they aren't one of the ones listed. Go figure, right? Infertility is always associated with high costs. Hmph! 

Anyways, I'm looking forward to meeting Dr. Cherry (acupuncturist). I've read nothing but great things  about him and hoping that his regimen will just enhance us. 

 



 

Just One More Test?

Right now, I'm waiting for a phone call from my Catholic OB that my insurance approved me for the HSG test.  I ultimately decided to see the Catholic OB because 1.) he already knows my history 2.) don't want to hassle with going through the baseline examination then some and hence having to wait more which means a big fat waste of time.

I figure if the HSG test goes either way; blocked or unblocked, he's going to refer me to a fertility clinic which I need anyways.  Per the fertility clinic, it would be more cost effective for me to obtain a referral since they take my insurance. Really? That's funny because Mr. Dubyah's urologist wasn't aware and had to pay the out of pocket fee for them to perform a comprehensive SA. In fact, they stated to him that our insurance denied the coverage. 


Moving on.....


A couple of days ago, I found this quote quite funny from 999 Reasons to Laugh because my close friends are constantly saying these types of stories to me.

As soon as someone find out you’re dealing with infertility, the bad advice begins…

I know someone who knows someone who got pregnant after adopting their second  child.. My friend’s daughter’s friend tried drinking herbs and got pregnant after 7 years…. My dentist’s sister couldn’t conceive and then an Acupuncturist blew in her left eye and poof! She got pregnant!

Suddenly everyone around you has a story about someone who knows someone else who got pregnant after infertility. Your doctor knows this person, your cleaning lady knows, your dentist knows and even your hairdresser knows someone. But oddly, no one ever seems to know this person directly. It’s like an urban legend. “I know someone who knows someone else who heard it on the radio that this couple tried getting pregnant for 8 years, and finally after switching toothpaste, she got pregnant!” Wow. That is a fantastic story for hope! Sarcasm.
Those stories aren’t helpful. Good for those couples who got pregnant but that doesn’t help you get pregnant any quicker. The best thing to do is counteract those stories with your own.
I know someone who knows someone who conceived on Easter and 9 months later, gave birth to chocolate cream-filled eggs.    I know someone who got pregnant even though she had no uterus, he had no sperm and they never even had sex. I know someone who tried for 7 years, spent thousand of dollars on fertility treatments, miscarried and then still couldn’t get pregnant. How is that for a heart-warming story?
I know someone who waited each month for her baby to arrive and experienced heartbreak and disappointment when it didn’t. I know someone who tried fertility treatments that didn’t work but had the strength and perseverance to continue, never giving up hope. Maybe that someone is you.

 I don't get the reaction of frustration towards my close friends, rather I do find hope in their stories. I know they mean the best and I am thankful to have them everyday in my life. 

I know in my heart that we will be pregnant and/or with children someway and somehow. This is just an obstacle that the husband and I are having to go through and we are going to pass with it with flying colors. Looks like I'm starting to slowly get out of this numbness. I think.
 

Pure Coincidence?

Weird. Coincidence? Maybe. Or is it because I'm more akeen to all this IF talk that it grabbed my attention. 

What I'm talking about is the special episode on The View this morning. Did anyone catch it? It was titled, " Trying to Have a Baby?" The women discussed their own personal battles of infertility and how they came across being dignosed. They also had professional fertility specialists come onto the show to talk about IF as well as couples battling infertility. 

My heart went out to a guest who was a 47 y/o woman currently going through a divorce. She married at the ripe ole age of 40 and immediately her and her husband began trying for a baby. Sadly, they weren't successful and it took a toll on their marriage, although it wasn't the entire reason why their marriage broke up. She is not able to use the embryo's from her ex as he will not allow it as he no longer wants to become a parent. 

This episode just made me wonder if it was a sign telling me that I shouldn't have rescheduled my OB appointment this morning. I just couldn't do it. I chickened out. I just got my AF on Wednesday and the first few days are usually the heavy days. So, if he were to perform a baseline exam on me, I think I would have been mortified. So, I rescheduled and guess what? My period should be ending right around that time, hopefully. Go figure. Can I get a mini break?

Oh, and did I mention that this new OB is kinda hot? So this whole new OB thing is making me sorta nervous. Never had somebody that is eye candy exam my privates. Reminds of Sex and the City.

Now I'm wondering if I should just try and schedule an appointment with my old OB to see if I can get in sooner. He already knows my history and we both know the next step would be an HSG. So, we'll see. I'm going to fax Mr. Dubyah's results to him tonight and see what he says and take it from there.  

A New Month + A New OB

As predicted, I got my AF this morning. I gotta say that although I knew it was coming because of the symptoms I was feeling during the week, I was sorta trying to not let it come. Don't ask me how I was trying to do this. I don't even know myself.  All's I know is that reality bites. Seriously. 

Surprisingly,  I took it in good stride. Like I said, I'm becoming numb to this whole IF thing. 

Tomorrow morning I have my first appointment with my new OB. Gut was telling me with my initial OB to not continue seeing him. Loved him and all his soft spoken personality, but he just wasn't as aggressive as I was hoping he would be. Found out later that he's a die hard Catholic which is fine by me. I'm a Catholic, too! But, at times, he tends to mingle his faith with his practices. For instance, when discussing our plans to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant, it went down as this:

Plan A: Hormone test on me

Plan B: SA analysis on Mr. Dubyah. If normal, go to Plan C

Plan C: HSG procedure

Plan D: Referral to fertility clinic

Did you notice no fertility drugs were mentioned in our game plan? 

Anyways, going back with my new OB. So yeah, I have my AF and I'm still attending the appointment. I want to see if I can go ahead and schedule an HSG with him which I believe will most likely be the next step. Keep your fingers crossed that he won't exam me down under with my AF. If he does, I will feel so humiliated. LOL 

p.s. A friend introduced me to an application on my iPhone called the Period Tracker. It's a pretty cool program and it definitely beats having to write it down on your calendar. 

Making IF Public.

Mr. Dubyah and I are nearing our 2 year wedding anniversary and I gotta admit that we are getting the
" When you having a baby?" question more and more. It doesn't help neither that most people know our ages and so they have to pull the biological clock card on me.

I was wearing a not-so-flattering blouse last week at a family gathering and one of the older ladies approached me asking how many months I was. Yeah, it was that bad of a shirt and I made sure to make a mental note to throw this blouse away! Fortunately, I took it in good stride and answered that it was my blouse that made me look pregnant and she apologized profusely. But, I just couldn't help but dream of what it would be like to answer her with the most gleeful answer of, " oooh, I'm x months pregnant!"

Anyways, as I digress, I was speaking with a friend over the weekend who is also having infertility issues and she relayed to me that everyone knows about their struggle of having a child.  It got me thinking. Should I just tell people that we are having a difficult time when asked? It is something to be ashamed of? At the same time, I'm not sure if I want people to feel as though they have to quietly step around me when it comes to their own joys. 





 

Semi Good News.

We received Mr. Dubyah's SA results from the fertility clinic. Low n' Behold, they were normal. NORMAL! I couldn't believe it. I mean, how could the first two lab results show extremely low results for the motility and morphology and then, bam, a fertility clinic comes in with their high tech machines and outshines them all!

I'm in disbelief to say the least. Still on the cautious side and just waiting for something or somebody to tell us something is wrong. I can't help it. It's so hard not to have your hopes ups so high. This is what IF has done to me emotionally. To be numb.

In other news, I am so thankful for the friends we have in our life. There are two friends in which they were one of the first people whom we told about our IF issues. I think part of the reason why we told them was because they are both in the medical field. He's a neurosurgeon and she's a nurse practitioner. Anyways, NP wanted me to talk to her sister in law because she went through IVF 5 years ago and had two beautiful twin boys. So, the other night,  we go to their house and talk about going through IF and IVF.

Talking to them has pretty much pointed us in the direction of IVF. We've been on the fence about it. Not sure if we should go straight for it or speak with my OB. But, they got us thinking. At least, the SIL did. She told me that since I've been trying for over a year now with no success and given my age, she would recommend going straight for IVF. Sure, the OB can offer me some pointers, but will probably advise me to try out fertility drugs, then IUI, etc. By the time, I go through all of that, I would have probably wasted yet another year and money with no baby in tow.

So, come Monday, Mr. Dubyah and I are going to set up an appointment to get an initial consultation. Oh Boy! I'm nervous. How are we going to come up with the funds to get this done?

Moooo!!!!

Ever since finding out our IF issues, I feel as though time is not on our side; its been moving way too fast. Like, we are walking behind a herd of cattle and we can't move around them because there are just so many of them. That's how I feel right now. 

Mr. Dubyah has been having appointments with his primary doctor, his urologist and just recently at a fertility clinic. Tomorrow, he's back at his urologist to go over the results of the test he did at the fertility clinic. 


So frustrating. I just want to go on with the show already and start making this baby thing happen, already! 





 

RIP Harley

So sad these past few days. My dog of 17 years was put down over the weekend. Although he doesn't live with me and Mr. Dubyah; he lives with my parents, I still consider him my dog. He was our family dog while growing up.

We got him in 1995 from a pound in Napa, California. At the time, it heavily rained and various parts of Napa was flooded. Lots of people lost their homes to the flood.  My mom and I suspect that he got lost in the midst of the floods that's how he landed at the pound because when we adopted him, he was well trained and already housebroken. 

Harley was an awesome dog! Most mistaken him for a girl dog and its understandably so based on his looks. He loved blankets. When he saw that you had a blanket out while sitting on the couch, he would immediately go to the very edge of the blanket and lie on it. Ofcourse, with his weight on it, the blanket would fall down and you couldn't really pull it up higher as he was lying on it. Grrr..

None of us thought that we would be priviledged to have him in our lives for 17 years. As he got older, we would always think to ourselves, is this our last Christmas we'll be spending with Harley?

I remember the first time I realized that he was getting old. He was getting up from his bed and all of a sudden, his legs gave out and he fell. He tried for several minutes to get up on his own, but couldn't. I cried thinking he wasn't going to get up anymore and I would have to bring him to the vet to let him go. But, when he got up and walked outside, I shouted so loud because I wasn't ready for him to be gone. At the same time, I knew that eventually, I would need to prepare myself for his passing. 

I'm going to miss you Harley. You were such a joy to be around and gave us plenty of laughs throughout the years. Hopefully, with all of the memories I have of you, I'll be able to smile instead of cry when thinking of you. Rest in Peace little guy. 

Does this make you cringe or what?

Last week, a study came out about "Women and Falling Fertility." Did you guys read or hear about it on the news? I sure did and frankly, it made me roll my eyes and left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Like a ate a piece of liver by accident taste. Ick.  {Sorry to those that have the love for liver. }

It hit me because I'm one of the statistics this study is lovingly speaking about. I'm 34 (recently turned, as a matter of fact, hmph!) and according to this study, I have already lost more than 90% of my good eggs. Greaaaaaat. Just what I needed to hear as I begin my journey of infertility. 

But you know what? I'm not going to fully believe it. No sir. No way. I have plenty of friends that are the same age as me if not older, who are having healthy babies. So, this study  can pretty much suck it.  

In other news, had a brief phone conversation with my OB. I faxed him Mr. Dubyah's giz count results and he left me a message on Friday to discuss it. Discuss my ass. More like, ask me two questions within a 30 second time frame. This is how the convo went.

OB: Hi All Cried Out, this is Dr. OB here, how are you?


Me: I'm okay, yourself?


OB: Good. So, thanks for sending me results. Is this the first analysis he's done? 


Me: Nope, this is the 2nd analysis and it pretty much came back with the same results as the last. Tomorrow he's going to the fertility clinic to get a more detailed sperm analysis. 


OB: Oh Good! They'll be able to look at it further and discuss your options from there. 


Me: So, that's pretty much the next step?


OB: Yes. 


Me: Okay. Thank You. 


So, tell me, should I have asked him more questions? I'm so new to all of this infertility jargon that I have no clue what to ask or what to say. I feel as though he's been sorta laxed with me. Upon our first meeting, he did ask me some questions, did an informal exam on me, also ordered some blood work to see my hormone levels and such. He also stated that if Mr. Dubyah's giz analysis came back normal, that he would do a scan to see if my fallopian tubes are blocked. But, now that we found out that Mr. Dubyah's giz analysis is abnormal, he pretty much has stopped it from there. 

I guess watching Guiliana and Bill's Reality show doesn't help the situation either. So jealous that her OB went above and beyond to ensure that they were equipped to have a baby. She got a ultrasound, the dye to check if her tubes were blocked in addition to seeing if Bill's sperm was normal. WTF, right? 

I guess my question is, should I seek another OB?

Going in Knee Deep.

Breathe. Sigh. Ok, here goes. 

Well, a year and half ago, Mr. Dubyah and I got hitched after having a 10 year long distance relationship. We are one of those couples that "waited" until our mid to late 30's to get married because of our careers. Moreso, my career not his. He wanted to wait until we were both financially secure to make the vows of " till death do us part." 

Makes a whole lotta' sense, yes?  But, had I known the problems  we would encounter, I sure would have started my career a whole lot earlier. But that's not living life right? We never know what our future holds, unless we are some kind of genius psychic. 

Life post wedding was going great! Lived with my parents for a few months. Bought our first home together. Moved in. Got settled. Got a dog. Then, we finally decided to try for a baby. I mean, c'mon. How hard could it be? You have sex at the "right" time and next thing you know, you miss your period, get nauseated, throw up, take a home pregnancy test, see the double lines.......and yeah. I wish  that was the next step after we got our doggie, Maddie.  She's cute, huh? 


Woops, as I digress. Anyways, I really wished it went in that order. 


We've been trying for a whole year now and recently sought help from our beloved doctors. Mr. Dubyah's giz count results came back with a big fat FAIL. The second giz count came back a wee bit better. His boys surmised to be about 1.5 million which is in the low range, but still considered normal. However, the shape (morphology) and the way it travels (motility) came back way low in numbers. Morphology was >60 and the motility was something in the range of early 20's.


I have to say that the first time I saw his results, I nearly lost it. I thought the world was ending around me. But, the second set of results, I guess, I was a bit prepared to see them given I already knew the numbers the first time. Can I say, thank goodness? I guess. 


So, now here we are in that limbo stage. Mr. Dubyah has an appointment tomorrow with the fertility clinic to do a more detailed giz count. Why? I have no idea. I myself am waiting to call my OB this afternoon since I faxed him both of the results. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I think its because I don't want him to tell me out loud what I know I already need to do. The words, "infertility" still feel like a sucker punch to the stomach. Frankly, I still think I'm in the denial stage of it all. But, I'm just trying to trudge on and go through the motions. Keeping my fingers crossed until they are blue and hope for the best. 


Welcome to my life. Are you ready to take upon my journey to which I know is going to be an emotional rollercoaster? I'll be needing all the support I can get.